So a koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint..

[MetalRose]

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room.

The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."



-Metal

[Bryan316]

Oh how did I NOT EXPECT THAT?!?!?! LOL

[LunaTEKKE]

Originally Posted by BABS

It's really hard to tease apart autoimmune disorders, so be patient, but be sure to educate yourself on everything and get in docs faces on things.

Yep, I’ve done plenty of research. The problem is that now I’m convinced I’m smarter than my endocrinologist, so we keep butting heads.

And back on topic…

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

[Emerald Sword]

A farmer walks up to his wife and says he's going raccoon hunting. He gives her three choices. 1.) She can go, too. 2.) He wants to fuck her in the ass. 3.) She can give him a blowjob. He then tells her he'll be back in fifteen minutes for her answer. The fifteen minutes goes by and he asks his wife what is her decision. She says, "I'm not going raccoon hunting and you're definitely not fucking me in my ass. So, I guess I'll have to give you a blowjob. So, she begins and then stops and says, "Uh! Your dick tastes like shit!" The farmer tells her, "Well, the dog didn't wanna go raccoon hunting, either."

[LunaTEKKE]

OK, the ladies seem to be taking most of the abuse on this thread so far, so I thought I'd even things out...



What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

[thedelicateflower]

...As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can’t forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the calm and balmy night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without reservations, you laid on my naked body….you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me…finally, I went to sleep…today I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night’s events…my body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing….tonight….I will remain awake waiting for you....…you stupid mosquito….

[yardleybates]

Originally Posted by thedelicateflower

...As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can’t forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the calm and balmy night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without reservations, you laid on my naked body….you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me…finally, I went to sleep…today I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night’s events…my body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing….tonight….I will remain awake waiting for you....…you stupid mosquito….

That's good!

[sh0kr0k]

Originally Posted by LunaTEKKE

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

[Tess]

Originally Posted by Lars/Intromental

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

Ya, ya, ya.....tell the one about the sick monkey!

[Lars/Intromental]

well, it's not really a joke.....it's taken out of context from a standup comedy show.

Lars