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The joke thread (WARNING: sometimes NSFW)

Discussion in 'LORD' started by StephenSLR, Nov 23, 2005.

  1. StephenSLR

    StephenSLR Member

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    I posted a joke on another thread that some of you liked so I thought I'd dedicate a thread to some jokes.

    No really crap jokes please and make them short too, no essays.

    Here's a clean one that made me smirk.

    A man went to the zoo.
    The only animal at the zoo was a dog.
    It was a Shitzu.

    s
     
  2. petrucci_dude

    petrucci_dude teh shredz0r

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    That was pretty lame. I have some good jokes but they are the "essay" style you are referring to, lol.
     
  3. Stormster

    Stormster Somewhere Far Beyond

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    who cares, it brought a smile to my face, its good enough. Im not the type to come up with jokes, i steal them, like i did with urs steve, i told all my friends and they love me for it lol.
     
  4. StephenSLR

    StephenSLR Member

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    The above joke or the one about the Muslim blow up doll?

    s
     
  5. petrucci_dude

    petrucci_dude teh shredz0r

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    Muslim blow up doll? WTF, that's funny on it's own! :lol:
     
  6. Lord Tim

    Lord Tim That guy from LORD

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    OK, here's some in very bad taste (and people - they're jokes before anyone gets upset! :rolleyes: )

    Q: What's 12 inches long and purple and makes a woman scream?

    A: Cot death! :D


    Q: What's blue and doesn't fit anymore?

    A: A dead epileptic! :D


    Q: What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

    A: Stephen Hawking in a housefire! :D


    OK, see you all in hell! :wave:
     
  7. Shadow298

    Shadow298 UNLEASH THE GUAN

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    An old man is walking along a road by a river when he sees a young boy sitting on the ground, crying his eyes out. So, he asks the young boy what's wrong and the boy replies.
    "Mum and Dad were fighting and Mum slapped Dad. So Dad pushed Mum. Mum kicked Dad, so Dad punch Mum but he hit her too hard and they both feel in the river and they drowned!"
    The old mans looks at the kid, undoes his fly and says: "Well, I guess it isn't you lucky day today."

    :D
     
  8. cro4eva

    cro4eva Member

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    .
     

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  9. Keeper of the Seven Cheese

    Keeper of the Seven Cheese Metallic Progressor

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    This next one is not for the weak stomached or easily offended and probably is not work-safe :S


    This is an on the spot lame as possible one.

    How do politicians cut funds to the computer crime department?
    With a hacksaw.
     

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  10. petrucci_dude

    petrucci_dude teh shredz0r

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    OMFG DOUGIE. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU PUT THAT THERE FOR? LOL

    NOTE: No one click Dougie's pic.

    Here's a sad joke or two told to me by a friend.. probably as sad as Tim's ones:

    What's funnier than watching a baby swing around on a clothesline?
    Stopping it with a bat.

    What's blue and yellow and lies at the bottom of a pool?
    A baby with its floaties slashed.

    A woman gave birth to a baby and the doctor started flinging the baby around the room and dropping it all over the place. The woman screamed "what the hell are you doing to my baby?" and the doctor replied with "haha, jokes on you it was already dead".

    OK THAT WAS SAD.

    :(
     
  11. Pethical

    Pethical Tom

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    (this works better if u do it in real life and hold out your arms)



    why did the nymphomaniac go to church?

    because she heard there was a guy hung like this:

    0
    8-------------------------8
    |
    |
    / \

    (ok my stick figure didnt work but its meant to be a guy holding out his arms representing a christ figure) ITS FUNNY GOD DAMNIT!
     
  12. StephenSLR

    StephenSLR Member

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    Yeah you can probably work it out on your own but since you haven't read it.

    A guy walks into a sex shop requesting a Muslim blow up doll,

    Why Muslim? the shop keep asks.

    Because they blow themselves up.
     
  13. StephenSLR

    StephenSLR Member

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    Anthony Mundine goes to the doctor and says:
    "Doctor, I have a problem. I get sexually aroused when I look in the mirror."

    "I'm not surprised," the doctor says. "You're a C*nt"

    ===

    Monica Lewinski is looking in the mirror at her figure all depressed when she looks up to god and says,

    "God if you could just remove these love handles, ill worship you for ever and ever"

    God replys "ok"

    Her ears drop off !!!!

    s
     
  14. Icarus

    Icarus Shamone

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    Newsflash:

    There is a hole in the girls showers. Police are looking into it.
     
  15. Project:Doomsday

    Project:Doomsday New Metal Member

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    i cant claim this as my own but here goes anyway..

    how do you make a hormone?

    kick her in the cvnt

    :)

    thank you
     
  16. disordah

    disordah I have a brain... thing.

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    I'd rather a frontal labotomy than a bottle in front of me...

    err, reverse that. :erk:
     
  17. disordah

    disordah I have a brain... thing.

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    Little Jonny walks up to his grandad and asks, "Hey grandad, can I have a beer?"
    Grandad says, "Can your dick touch your arse?"
    "No" said little Jonny.
    "Well when it can", explains Grandad, "you can have a beer".

    Little Jonny goes away for a few minutes and comes back with a tray full of cookies.

    "Hey Jonny, can I have one of them?" asks Grandad.
    "Can your dick touch your arse?" replies Jonny.
    Grandad stands proud and says, "why, Yes it can actually."
    "Well you can go fuck yourself cos Granny made these for me!".
     
  18. black_tooth_grin

    black_tooth_grin www.anwarrizk.com

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    An oldie but a goodie :p

    A man with a speech impediment decides to do some shopping down the street.

    He first enters a bakery and asks for ‘bum’, the woman over the counter says “don’t you mean a bun”, “no a bum” say the man with the speech impediment. The woman hands him a “bum” and he walks out of the bakery.

    He then goes to the local hardware store because he need’s a new bucket, he approaches the counter and asks for a “fucket”….:lol:, the guy over the counter says “don’t you mean a bucket”, “no a fucket” say the man with the speech impediment. He gets his “fucket” and leaves the store.

    Whilst walking down the street he notices that a pet store is having a sale, he walks into the store and decides to buy a dog, he sees a cocker spaniel and goes to the counter and asks to buy the “cock and spank it”, “don’t you mean a cocker spaniel” says the lady over the counter, “no a cock and spank it” says the man with the speech impediment. He pays the lady and leaves with his new companion.

    When he leaves the store the dog decides to run off on him…he sees a lady on a bench and asks “Could you hold my bum and fucket, while I go grab my cock and spank it”.

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  19. Shadow298

    Shadow298 UNLEASH THE GUAN

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    Pick the drummer!:Smug:
     
  20. Shadow298

    Shadow298 UNLEASH THE GUAN

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    Follow ups to that joke:

    Q: What's green and yellow and sits at the bottom of a pool?
    A: Same baby, one month later

    Q: What's red and yellow and bobs onto of a pool?
    A: Floaties with slashed baby.

    :D
     

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