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The joke thread (WARNING: sometimes NSFW)

Discussion in 'LORD' started by StephenSLR, Nov 23, 2005.

  1. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    Grandma: Have you seen my special pills? They were labelled 'LSD'.
    Grandson: No, but have you seen that fucking dragon in the kitchen?
     
  2. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    I was buying a large bag of Eukanuba dog food at the supermarket and standing in a queue at the checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Eukanuba diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 22kg before I awoke in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that all you do is load your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. And I told her that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that by now, practically everyone in the queue was enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in hospital in that condition because I'd been poisoned. I told her no... it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
     
  3. Bucko

    Bucko Member

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    ALL PUNS INTENDED

    1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

    6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

    7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
    "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "Well, It's Not Unusual."

    8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
    "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

    9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

    10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

    11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

    12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

    13. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.

    14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

    16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

    After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
    "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
    "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." (NOW IS THAT GREAT, OR WHAT?)

    18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ' Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


    19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good), a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

    21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
     
  4. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    I used to have a red boat, but it got marooned.
     
  5. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    I passed my hearing test with flying colours.
    Don't laugh, I suffer from synaesthesia.
     
  6. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    “I saw someone breaking the law so I arrested them.”

    That’s the way Green County Sheriff’s deputy Marcus Horna describes it. The incident he refers to happened last wednesday on highway 311 near the Ghor Rd. intersection. Janice Behr was pulled over on the shoulder because her tire blew out. Behr called 911 for assistance and Deputy Horna responded to the call.

    As he approached the vehicle, Deputy Horna was caught on dashcam footage violating a department policy. Footage shows him walk out of his car with a cigarette clearly dangling from his left hand. Behr, who works for a BP station, had just delivered some plastic cans of gasoline to a local hardware store because of a special trade arrangement the two businesses share. Unknown to Behr, some gas had splashed out onto her back seat. Dashcam footage then shows Deputy Horna, with total disregard for Behr’s vehicle, flick his cigarette into the back seat of her car.

    “It seemed managable and this is my only car,” is the excuse Behr offers for trying to put the fire out instead of leaving the car. Footage shows her lean into the back seat and begin smacking at the flames while Deputy Horna looks on. After some seconds, flames can be seen moving to the front seat, where Behr’s right sleeve catches fire. She then runs out of the vehicle in a panic, waving her arm around like something out of a movie.

    But what happens next is the most surprising. Footage shows Deputy Horna rush over to Behr, where he grabs her by the neck and throws her to the ground. Behr believed that Horna was trying to put her out, which he did, but only because he was handcuffing her. Incredibly, Behr can be heard on camera wailing in agonizing pain while Horna drags her up by the very arm that was burning and pulls her back to his patrol car.

    When asked to defend his actions Deputy Horna repeated his earlier statement, “I saw someone breaking the law so I arrested them.” When pressed for further comment he added, “The woman leaped out the car with her arm on fire and was whirling about like a maniac so I cuffed her and charged her. It is against the law to do that, you can’t run around with your arm in flames, so I charged her.”

    And what was the charge?

    “Illegal use of a fire arm,” Horna says.
     
  7. Cooee

    Cooee Member

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    :puke:

    Wow that one is bad! haha
     
  8. StephenSLR

    StephenSLR Member

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    How does Moses make his tea?

    Hebrews it!

    s
     
  9. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me three bottles of Budweiser, please."
    So the bartender brings him three bottles and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

    He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

    The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in Switzerland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Budweisers too and we're drinking together."

    The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

    The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine, I just quit drinking."
     
  10. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    Black humour is like access to safe drinking water and basic healthcare. Some people will just never get it.
     
  11. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    What's the toughest thing about being a Mall Santa?
    Convincing kids to sit in your lap during the other 11 months of the year.
     
  12. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    (No jokes since in over 2 years? This is dire times we live in...)

    What's the difference between a bogan and a grogan?
    You feel proud when you've given birth to a grogan!
     
  13. Shadow298

    Shadow298 UNLEASH THE GUAN

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    How do you get a Jewish girl's number?

    Ask her to roll up her sleeve.
     
  14. Shadow298

    Shadow298 UNLEASH THE GUAN

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    The world's leading expert in European wasps walks into a record store and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

    “Certainly.” replies the assistant.“Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

    "That would be wonderful." says the expert and puts on a pair of headphones.

    He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant “I'm terribly sorry but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognise any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

    The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologies and lifts the needle onto the next track.

    Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognise any of these sounds."

    The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.

    The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

    The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

    "What seems to be the problem, sir?"

    "This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

    The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

    "I'm terrible sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
     
    Bloopy likes this.
  15. Nitephyre

    Nitephyre LORDwhore™/Andy's ManSWOS

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  16. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    An explorer travelling in an African jungle stumbles across a dead Tyrannosaurus rex. Gazing up, he's stunned by the sight of a pygmy standing atop it with a little wooden club.

    "How on Earth did you manage to kill this mighty beast?'' exclaims the professor.

    "With my club!" answers the pygmy.

    "Impossible! You're pulling my leg!" laughs the professor.

    "Well, there was five thousand of us in our tribe when we started" sighs the pygmy.
     
  17. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    Opinions are like arseholes. I'd rather not be subjected to yours. I mean, as a grown adult it's about time you learned to keep it clean. How did it get so nasty and full of crap anyway? Is something dead inside of you? You should see a doctor. Anyone who goes near it is at risk of being contaminated. If you try to force it on the public you'll probably be arrested. How can it discharge so much swill without an iota of solid evidence? It'd be really offensive to anyone south of the border. It thinks gassing people is a good idea. Must you expose it to people on the internet? Your blog subscribers are all creepy old men.
     
  18. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    I once worked in a helium depot. The job was dangerous because the cylinders leaked frequently, but the owner was very sympathetic and we all spoke highly of her.


    "Hey, I haven't heard from you since I quit working at the puppy training school. How's it going?"
    "Not bad. I dropped out though. Identifying as a canine is harder work than I realised, and the food is shite!"
     
  19. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    Little Johnny was sent home from school because he shat his pants in class.
    As his mother was picking him up, she asked: "Why didn't you excuse yourself to go to the loo?"
    Little Johnny replied: "A turtle was poking its head out and I was scared of passing its shell!"


    A guy withdrew all his money and bought a stake in some farmland. I'm yet to figure out why anyone would give up their life savings just for a stick in the ground.
     
  20. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    Exercise discretion while crying at a funeral, as it's much easier to rub a loose eyelash into your eye than it is to rub one out.
     

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