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Un-supportive wife rant

Discussion in 'Bar' started by scorpio01169, Aug 11, 2013.

  1. Vicioushead

    Vicioushead Member

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    I'm pretty sure you can work this out with her. I'm very lucky, my wife loves music and loves what I do but I'm sure if she wasn't supportive we could find a compromise. Talk to her, tell her that it makes you happy to have both her and time with your music in your life.

    I'm sure you can make it work.
     
  2. John_C

    John_C formerly Skeksis268

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    My girlfriend doesn't really care about my music, but she doesn't get in the way. My Ex was interested in the music but bitched about me spending money and time on it anyway.

    Crazy people are crazy, but metal girls are special crazy.
     
  3. lilhermiejobo

    lilhermiejobo Member

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    Does your wife get any time to do things that she enjoys throughout the day? The week? The month? Ever? Are there any hobbies or interests that your wife has that she could pursue in her spare time, if any, given that you have children? Are you both sharing the load? (no pun intended)
    My story is very similar to yours in that I began pursuing music at an early age, like you mentioned, 3 or 4 years old. I was fascinated by my grandmother's musical ability, site reading music and playing piano/organ (she inherited musical ability from her father, or my great-grandfather, who turned down an offer to play with Gene Krupa to stay home and work/provide/care for, his family)... It's in my blood and I've spent nearly every day of my life, in some way, shape or form, focused on music. Starting with piano/organ (since that's what grandma had in her house), playing talent shows/competitions in school, joining choir, then band in middle school / Jr High (trombone- got bored. switched to Tuba- got bored. switched to baritone- bass clef, got bored and switched to treble clef. got bored and quit school band all together because it didn't feed my need for creativity but rather focused on the mechanics and practice of performing. That was good and all, but not as rewarding as I'd hoped.
    I'll spare the details, but I picked up acoustic guitar, then bass, electric guitar, got into bands, played shows and festivals, etc... fast forward a few years and I find myself leaving all of that behind and moving across the world (from US to Australia) to marry a girl I met in a yahoo chat room! WHAT THE... did NOT see that one coming.

    What is it that you are looking to achieve or gain from pursuing music? Happiness? Therapy? Relaxation? Reflection? Creative outlet? Spiritual enlightenment? A career?
    Is it a hobby?
    Would you like your wife to encourage you to pursue your hobby? Do you encourage her to pursue any hobbies? Do you encourage her to pursue any form of enjoyment that has nothing to do with yourself or the children? Have you made effort to show support in her pursuing her own personal interests/hobbies?

    I ask you these questions because I found myself answering the same questions (aside from the children, as we do not have children).

    If I could suggest anything in support of your own interests, it would definitely be to actively show an interest in your wife having her own individual 'space' or enjoyment/hobby/interest/etc... Share the sacrifice (burden) of running a family in order to achieve healthy balance for individual enlightenment. Unless, of course, your wife is a serial murderer. Never encourage that stuff. Bad mojo, brotha.

    One of the best investments I've ever made (aside from marrying my woman) was buying her a DSLR camera for her to pursue her own interests. Editing software, etc... All in the name of love. The love of my music. The love of my wife. The love of harmony. The love of equality. The love of balance, etc...
    Anything you do, do it in the name of love. That's the truth.
    You want happiness? Pursue love.
     
  4. drew_drummer

    drew_drummer Dancefap

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    ^ Says to do things for love, then describes marriage as an investment.

    lulz.
     
  5. jipchen

    jipchen ForesterStudio

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    Great post lilhermiejobo!
    Of course. Every relationship is based on investments. And compromises. Time, emotions, money. That is the thing a lot of people don't seem to understand.
    Some people here sound like sexist dicks who don't understand how to coexist with other people in a closer relationship. Not talking about the OP.

    How can you expect your family/friends/gf/wive to be supportive if you don't give a shit about their wishes and interests etc. Again I'm not directing this at anyone in particular (especially not the OP but he should perhaps think about it), but pointing out what should be obvious but obviously isn't.
     
  6. lilhermiejobo

    lilhermiejobo Member

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    You clearly do not understand, dude.

    Are you married?
     
  7. drew_drummer

    drew_drummer Dancefap

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    Plenty of people asking what she is interested in, whether she has any hobbies, etc... I don't think you can really level the charge of sexism at anyone here. Not without coming off like an ass who only cares about her wishes and not his.

    It seems strange to us, but a *lot* of people think an interest in music is childish and irresponsible. There is a big chance the OP's wife feels like this - which is both dismissive of his feelings, wishes, interests, and is pretty judgemental.

    Of course we don't know that for certain, but saying "you care more about your bass than me or these kids" is a bullshit manipulative thing to say and does not paint a picture of a supporting wife. I'm totally understandable that the OP is angry and frustrated over this issue.
     
  8. drew_drummer

    drew_drummer Dancefap

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    Yes. Been with my wife 10 years, got married in 2012. We are very happy with each other. I give her space to persue her hobbies and interests and I don't get on her case about not spending time with me. She acts in a similar way, and even tells me to stop being an idiot when I tell her that I'm thinking of quitting.

    And no. I would never describe my marriage as an investment. I married her because she means the world to me, and I care immensely about her well being. I love her and she loves me, and neither of us think of it as an investment.

    Investment implies that you expect something to come from it rather than it having value in an ofitself. We pick each other up and support each other in what they want to do. It's called mutual respect, and the OP doesn't seem to be getting any.
     
  9. Matt-Steele

    Matt-Steele Member

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    I hope you the best! :)
     
  10. lilhermiejobo

    lilhermiejobo Member

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    Congrats on your marriage! I've been with my wife for about 10 years, as well, and we married in 2009. I can appreciate your perspective on why you (and your wife) do not view each other as an investment. I suppose it all equates to perception.
    I view everything in life as an investment, in some way, shape or form, because the time, effort, etc... either yields a visible harvest, or not. For example: you're hungry > you eat. Depending on what you eat, will determine whether or not your investment yields harvest. If you eat McDonald's, sure you might not be hungry, but ultimately it was a bad investment and will cause you problems if your decision becomes habit, etc...
    I might be misreading things, but I gather that your idea of my suggesting that marriage is an investment, to be a callous, loveless venture. I didn't say it was a financial investment, regardless to whether money was a contributing factor (although let's face it, in today's society, there aren't many enjoyments in life that don't require monetary presence and for me to acknowledge that doesn't imply I condone or place high regard/value to the fact above the value of relationships on mental/emotional/spiritual/etc levels)
    I feel that we are, quite likely, saying the same thing but from different perspectives moulded from our individual life circumstances.

    Also, I'd appreciate you not trying to mock or pick fun of heartfelt advice that I offer to another man who is having marital problems. Not only does it fail to help the situation, at all, but derails a potentially serious subject matter, considering the guy mentioned considering divorce, with children involved, at that. Perhaps, rather than point your finger at the kid on the playground who appears to be different (has different opinions to yourself) take time to learn and build instead of break down. Cool? Cool.
     
  11. jipchen

    jipchen ForesterStudio

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    I can only speak for myself of course, but I asked about her hobbies and stuff because we don't know anything about her (and especially not her version of this story) - not because I assumed he was doing her wrong, just because there was no information on that topic, and I don't think you can talk about a relation if you only know 50%.
    Yeah, and it's entirely possible his wife is one of them. Might even be correct that this kind of behavior is more common among women in general. But think about it, how do we see women's interest in fashion, or celebs, or whatever (only naming the cliché examples). Yes it seems stupid to "us", but it's exactly how some people see our interest in music. Not saying they're right, though.

    Oh come on, then you do get it. And I obviously misunderstood you, sorry for that.
    But it doesn't matter how you call it, you're still "investing". Try to not see it in a materialistic way: You spend time with her because it makes you happy (and vice versa). You probably sometimes spend time for her on things you wouldn't if it wasn't important to her. In return, you can expect a similar behavior if you're doing something she isn't as interested in. Looks like a form of investment to me (probably one of the "better" ones, too).
    There's also emotional investments: You feel bad, and try to comfort her when she's having a rough time, and in return you can expect the same. If you deny that you expect the same (and even if you think you don't, you still do. that's why altruism exists), it's still an investment: It makes you feel better that she's feeling better. There's no sense in feeling bad about something/someone you don't care about, because you get no benefit. You do, in a way, benefit from feeling sorry for people who are close to you.
    That's an investment or mutual respect, or love, or friendship, or whatever you want to call it. Of course it sounds unromantic and materialistic but it really isn't.

    And sorry for hijacking this thread, I'll be quiet now :oops:
     
  12. SocialNumb

    SocialNumb Damn Christians!

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    lol, they get/got married. lol
     
  13. drew_drummer

    drew_drummer Dancefap

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    Just gonna address this point, because I don't want to get drawn off in a tangent. But I don't think their interests are stupid; they're just not that relevant to my interests. But I don't want to ban my wife from ready trashy celeb mags, or from reading girly blogs or manga aimed at women.

    But it does sound like OP's wife is trying to change his interest in music by making him feel bad about it.
     
  14. scorpio01169

    scorpio01169 Member

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    Thanks guys, you guys have hit one spot here. there is an underlying thing going on that I didn't mention. my wife suffers from depression and ocd. I did mention we went to counseling and that wasn't very helpful. And I think that it's true that she throws her tantrums to get what she wants from me which is for me to be with her every second of the day. Another thing that I didn't mention because I didn't think it was that important is, three of our four children aren't mine, but that's neither here or there because I treat them as if they are. I think those of you who had music in their lives as long as I have really understand that this is more than just a hobby to us. Also I think it's true to some extent about women and music, The lady who counseled us tried very hard to make me understand her depression and why my wife acts the way she does, and I do understand but she totally dismissed my concerns. Divorce is hard and I'm trying very hard to work this out, but I will have to be honest, if she keeps this up divorce may be the only option.
     
  15. Jind

    Jind Grrrr!!! (I'm a bear)

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    It would seem I'm one of the fortunate few with a wife that is truly supportive of my love of all things music. It probably helps that she, as a general rule, enjoys the harder edges of music - perhaps more rock oriented, but she also likes most straight ahead metal as well as progressive metal. She loves listening to me play guitar - if anything she encourages me to play more than I'm doing lately (summer is never a very creative period for me - would rather be outside).

    Perhaps it helps that music is not my career - as such it's also not something that doing it impacts my ability to support my family. Were both stable in our careers of choice and have been fortunate in working with some great companies and people over the years.

    As has been mentioned - if your constantly fighting over what seems to be a singular thing, more than likely it's really something else that is at the heart of her/your dissatisfaction. Couples really only fight about a couple of things no matter what it may appear to be on the surface - in the end it's almost always related to trust, security or lack thereof, and/or stability.

    Ultimately in a committed relationship, those involved need to understand what drives the other person to behave the way they do, to prioritize the way they do. It's clear that you feel that music is a driving force in your life. Do you know what her's is? Do you ever really talk about why she feels the way she does? Is it really the fact your not spending time with her or is it bigger than that? Is it how you make your living? Is it how you pay the family bills?

    You say you love your wife but a few lines before that you mention you may have to divorce her. Probably one of the hardest things to accept in a relationship is when one of the parties involved has already decided how something will end but is to afraid to actually live with the choice they seem to have already come to.

    Trust me - my wife and I do argue about things, but we have developed a basic trust over the years that we can dissect an argument pretty quickly down to the real argument below the surface and get to the "coming to an understand" part without major bloodshed or destruction ;).

    I'd never be one to tell someone else what to do with their marriage so I'll simply ask are you really sure it's the interest in music itself and not really something completely different with the music just being the easiest target to attack?
     
  16. drew_drummer

    drew_drummer Dancefap

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    Well er.. yeah. Of course she did. Marriage counselling was setup by women, for women. Sorry to sound like a complete caveman on this, but too often those counselling sessions are just a cover for "re-educate your man" lessons.

    If she suffers from depression, she probably looks for any comfort to nullify that depression and you're it. Depression and OCD are not flash in the pan things, they develop over an entire lifetime and often the root causes will have absolutely nothing to do with what the current state of play is. Her disastisfaction will most likely harken back to things she experienced as a child and your interest in music is just a really quick and easy - and more importantly, tangible - object she can place blame upon.

    (I know I'm coming off a little armchair psychologist here)
     
  17. drew_drummer

    drew_drummer Dancefap

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    If you're interested in figuring out how to handle these kinds of situations, checkout transactional analysis theory.
     
  18. scorpio01169

    scorpio01169 Member

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    Naw...you're pretty much spot on.
     
  19. Line666

    Line666 Fendurr

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    Weren't you the guy that was in the "open relationship" - if so then that's bound to complicate shit more than this music crap :lol:
     
  20. bryan_kilco

    bryan_kilco Member

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    :lol:

    Ahhh I can relate somewhat to the OP.

    I'm 31 tomorrow, been in bands since I was 15, playing guitar since I was about 12. I've only been with 2 girls my entire life, and the last one always gave me the "band comes before me all the time" bullshit. I told her "Just because we have band practice from 6-9pm then I come see you doesnt make it any higher up on the priority list than you".....I had to practice then or not at all.

    Recent girlfriend basically lives with me. I can sit and record and stuff usually without any problem. Sometimes I catch hell if I spend a few days doing it but she normally can keep herself occupied.

    In my experience, women say they are being supportive and they understand what this crazy thing called music does for us, but I don't think they ever really truly understand (unless they are a musician themselves).

    Best luck to the OP, I hope you can work it out. I'd go crazy if I got bitched at every time I wanted to work on music.
     

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