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An early contender for the Friday joke

Discussion in 'Saxon' started by Fingers, Sep 18, 2003.

  1. Fingers

    Fingers Member

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    Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.

    Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

    The first man said "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.


    The second man said "My Tim was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favourite lake.


    The third man said "My Jim was such a good lover, think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of hot curry, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.
     
  2. Blonde Becca

    Blonde Becca Member

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    HA HA HA HA HA!
    Oh, that brought tears to my eyes!
     
  3. WILKS

    WILKS Member

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    Well me and the family are of to Butlins first thing tommorw so here is my joke for Friday.


    How do you know if you have a high sperm count.

    Your wife,husband,gilfriend,boyfriend has to chew before they swollow.
     
  4. WILKS

    WILKS Member

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    Well I liked it.
     
  5. Sammi951

    Sammi951 Member

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    Yuck to Fingers and Wilks!! :lol:

    Here's my joke then - "Which is the odd one out - A washing machine, a dishwasher, a toaster or a woman?"

    Answer - A toaster - the other three all leak when they're f**ked!! :lol: :D
     
  6. Sammi951

    Sammi951 Member

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    Have a good hol Wilks - I had many a cracking holiday at Butlins when I was a kid :)
     
  7. Eagle

    Eagle Raging Heathen!

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    Why should never get involved with a dwarf with learning difficulties?

    Because it's not big and it's not fucking clever!
     
  8. Paxoman

    Paxoman Member

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    A stranger in a strange land!
    :lol: to all the jokes!
     
  9. Blonde Becca

    Blonde Becca Member

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    have a good holiday!
    Does anyone know any (good Essex girl jokes?) Why im asking that I dont know. I must want a slating!
     
  10. Black Lagoon

    Black Lagoon Member

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    How do you make an Essex girl scream twice?

    Shag her up the ass and then wipe your cock on her curtains.
     
  11. Blonde Becca

    Blonde Becca Member

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    Excuse me for being Blonde but i dont get that ?
     
  12. D.T.T

    D.T.T Dave Murrays Stunt Double

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    What do you call a Essex girl with half a brain?
    Gifted!

    What do you call a Essex girl with 2 brain cells?
    Pregnant

    Why aren't Essex girls good cattle herders?
    Because they can't even keep two calves together!

    What did the Essex girl's right leg say to the left leg?
    Nothing. They've never met

    Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the sink?
    Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

    Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane?
    She'd just blow dried her hair
    and she didn't want it blown around too much


    Why is a Essex girl like a turtle?
    They both get fucked up when they're on their back

    What's a Essex girl's favourite nursery rhyme?
    Hump-me Dump-me

    What's the difference between a Essex girl and a computer?
    You only have to punch information into a computer once

    Why don't Essex girls eat pickles?
    Because they can't get their head in the jar

    Why don't Essex girls eat bananas?
    They can't find the zipper
    or
    They cant find the pull tab
    Why don't Essex girls use vibrators?
    They chip their teeth



    What is the mating call of the ugly Essex girl?
    "I said: I'm drunk!"

    Why do Essex girls drive BMWs?
    Because they can spell it

    How do you change a Essex girl's mind?
    Blow in her ear
    or
    Buy her another drink


    What do Essex girls do with their arseholes in the morning?
    Pack their lunch and send them to work

    What's the first thing a Essex girl does in the morning?
    Walks home

    Why is a Essex girl like a door knob?
    Because everybody gets a turn

    Why is a Essex girl like railway lines?
    Because she's been laid all over the country

    What important question does a Essex girl ask her man before having sex?
    Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

    What do you do when an Essex girl throws a hand grenade at you?
    Pull the pin and throw it back

    Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill?
    Because it kept falling out

    What happens when an Essex girl gets Alzheimer's disease?
    Her IQ goes up!

    What's the difference between an Essex girl and a Porsche?
    You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend

    What is the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball?
    You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball What do a bowling ball and an Essex girl have in common?
    Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter



    Why is a washing machine better than an Essex girl?
    Because you can drop your load in a washing machine,
    and it won't follow you around for a week


    What do Essex girls and cow-pats have in common?
    They both get easier to pick-up with age

    What does an Essex girl and a beer bottle have in common?
    They're both empty from the neck up

    What do Essex girls and spaghetti have in common?
    They both wriggle when you eat them

    What do you call an Essex girl with a bag of sugar on her head?
    Sweet Fuck All...

    How do you drown an Essex girl?
    Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool

    How many Essex girls does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
    One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
    or
    Three... one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit


    What do you get when you offer an Essex girl a penny for her thoughts?
    Change

    What do you get when you cross an Essex girl and a gorilla?
    Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do

    How do you amuse an Essex girl for 5 hours?
    Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

    Why do Essex girls have legs?
    To get between the bedroom and the kitchen

    What's the difference between an Essex girl having her period and a terrorist?
    You can negotiate with a terrorist What do you see when you look into a Essex girl's eyes?
    The back of her head



    Why do Essex girls drive VW's?
    Because they can't spell PORSCHE!

    How do you make an Essex girl laugh on Monday mornings?
    Tell them a joke on Friday night!

    What did the Essex girl do when she got her period?
    Looked around for the bastard that must have knifed her

    Why are Essex girls like cornflakes?
    Because they're simple, easy and they taste good

    How does an Essex girl hold her liquor?
    By the ears

    What do you call an Essex girl skeleton in the closet?
    Last year's hide and seek champ

    What's the difference between an Essex girl track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
    One's a bunch a cunning runts

    What's the difference between an Essex girl and the Suez Canal?
    One's a busy ditch

    What is the difference between an Essex girl and a toilet?
    A toilet won't follow you around after you use it

    What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and an Essex girl?
    The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
    The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
    The Essex girl says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
    What do you call a dumb Essex girl behind a steering wheel?
    An air bag



    Why did the Essex girl tattoo her postcode on her stomach?
    So her male would get delivered to the right box

    How can you tell when an Essex girls dating?
    By the buckle print on her forehead

    What is the Essex girl's chronic speech impediment?
    She can't say "No"

    What do you call an Essex girl in a university?
    A visitor

    Why did the Essex girl cross the road?
    Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?

    What does an Essex girl say after multiple orgasms?
    Well done team!

    Why does a Essex girls bra say T.G.I.F?
    Tits Go In First

    Why do Essex girls have vaginas?
    So guys will talk to them at parties

    What does an Essex girl answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
    "No, I just lie there."

    What do you call an Essex girl without an asshole?
    Divorced

    What's the difference between an Essex girl and rubbish?
    Rubbish gets taken out at least once a week

    What do you call a bunch of Essex girls with yeast infections?
    A wine and cheese party!

    What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain?
    Gifted!

    Did you hear about the Essex girl that went to library
    and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?
    Got home and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia... What do you call an Essex mother-in-law?
    An air bag

    <and now I'm glad I live miles away from Essex so Becca cant get me!>

    type in essex girl jokes in google
     
  13. Blonde Becca

    Blonde Becca Member

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    l'll still get you DTT! They are nasty!
     
  14. Sammi951

    Sammi951 Member

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    :lol: And not a "Sharon and Tracey" or white stiletto in sight!! :lol: :D
     
  15. D.T.T

    D.T.T Dave Murrays Stunt Double

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    ooh now im scared...
     
  16. Blonde Becca

    Blonde Becca Member

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    you might like it though....
     
  17. D.T.T

    D.T.T Dave Murrays Stunt Double

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    Yes I might like it...

    Do you think this is referring to Beef Curtains...?

    or fabric curtains...?
     
  18. Sammi951

    Sammi951 Member

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    Well it probably means fabric...but beef would be more fun!! :lol:

    Talking of the beef variety, Fingers - I'm still highly amused by that t-shirt your mate was wearing for the Astoria gig when we met up! :)
     
  19. Crusader

    Crusader Metal addict

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  20. Eagle

    Eagle Raging Heathen!

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    A depressed boxer wants to make a comeback because he’s become skint so he rings up his old promoter and explains his situation.

    The promoter asks him who he’d like to fight. The boxer gets confused and tries to think, he eventually says, ‘what about you know, errr splash it all over’?

    The promoter replies, ‘Henry Cooper is my age and hasn’t fought for 30 years we’d never get a licence for that fight, think of someone younger’

    The boxer again thinks and eventually says, ‘what about you know, errr stings like a bee’?

    The promoter replies, ‘Mohammed Ali has Parkinson’s disease and hasn’t fought for 20 years and we’d never get a licence for that fight, think of someone younger’

    The boxer yet again thinks and eventually says, ‘what about you know errr that black fellow from the HP sauce advert’?

    The promoter replies, ‘That’s you Frank you daft cunt’
     

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