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Bass Jokes

Discussion in 'The Iron Maidens' started by Lord of Delusions, Feb 15, 2004.

  1. Lord of Delusions

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    Q: Why do bassists leave their cases on the dashboard?
    A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.

    Q: What do you call a bass player with half a brain?
    A: Gifted.

    Q: What's the range of a bass?
    A: About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

    Q: Whats the best thing to play on a stand up bass?
    A: Solitaire.

    Q: What's the difference between a bass and a guitar?
    A: The bass burns longer.

    Q: Why are intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
    A: So you don't have to re-train the bassists.

    Q: Why did the string bass player get mad at the singer?
    A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

    Q: How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: 1)-None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
    A: 2)-Don't bother...just leave it out ..no one will notice
    A: 3)-One ..but the guitarist has to show him first
    A: 4)-One. Five. One. Five...
    A: 5)-Six..one to change it and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light..

    Q: Why don't bass players play hide and seek?
    A: because no one will look for them.

    Q: What are the three most difficult years in a bass players life?
    A: second grade.

    Q: How do you stop a bass player from drowning?
    A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

    Q: What is the definition "lucky break?"
    A: When a busload of bass players goes off a cliff.

    Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of bass players?
    A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

    Q: Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
    A: Even a virus has some pride.

    A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?"

    "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string."

    One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?"

    "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!"



    * Let There Be Bass *
    In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ... definitely pre-C.B.S.

    And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

    And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst', and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

    Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.

    And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

    And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

    And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

    Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

    And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

    And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

    Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

    And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."

    "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."

    "You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."

    "And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."

    "And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

    And it was so...
     
  2. Steph Harris

    Steph Harris Maidens' Bass

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  3. Living after midnight

    Living after midnight New Metal Member

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    Oh no! That last one scared me a little
     
  4. metalord

    metalord IM Row-D

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    LOL

    "And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

    and charge it to your tab and forget to bring you one.
     
  5. Snausages

    Snausages Too Sexy for My Shirt

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    The first known bass guitar was made by Fender in 1954, it had no real name. It was modelled after the Telecasters, except has a dual offset cutaway like the Stratocasters. It had a plain black pickguard with one pickup mounted near the neck, it resembled the Tele rythm pickup. It was available in blonde, but tales of sunburst models are out there.
     
  6. Lord of Delusions

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    :erk: Thats not funny at all! Who wrote that one? :ill:
     

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