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cheer up: the joke thread

Discussion in 'Antimatter' started by Mariner, Feb 6, 2003.

  1. Mariner

    Mariner all the way

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    WHILE visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
    "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
    She phones Tony Blair and says:
    "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
    Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
    "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
    "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
    Upon returning to Washington, Bush decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
    "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
    "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
    Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
    Bush agrees, and Helms leaves and immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
    "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
    Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
    Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
    And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."




    President Bush is visiting an elementary school and drops in on the 4th grade class. The class is in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy."
    So Bush asks the class for an example of a "tragedy. "One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
    "No," says Bush, "that would be an accident."
    A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
    "I'm afraid not," explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
    The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
    Finally, way in the back of the room, Lil' Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you & Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
    "Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
    "Well," said Lil' Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss.

    :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  2. Cerulean

    Cerulean Not very cerulean eh

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    Reproductions on the walls
    Three-piece suits with mothballs
    Best-selling books ranged nicely
    Jerry Springer on TV

    All this is not me folks

    :mad:
     
  3. Cerulean

    Cerulean Not very cerulean eh

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    Lots of you will wonder what the hell my post is about. At least Pieter and Arno (I guess) will get it





    :mad:
     
  4. cedarbreed

    cedarbreed Don't mean nothin'

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    nope I didnt :confused:

    TF ?
     
  5. Cerulean

    Cerulean Not very cerulean eh

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  6. cedarbreed

    cedarbreed Don't mean nothin'

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    please post more jokes mates, i NEED a good laugh before i go to bed
     
  7. Morpheus

    Morpheus Member

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  8. Eos

    Eos The Entwined

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    has betrayed me once again...
     
  9. Cerulean

    Cerulean Not very cerulean eh

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    Don't steal Danny's joke :mad::mad::mad:
     
  10. cedarbreed

    cedarbreed Don't mean nothin'

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    RIP OFF from Danny !!! :lol:

    but it's so fucken true ...
     
  11. cedarbreed

    cedarbreed Don't mean nothin'

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    What's funnier than ten babies in one trashcan ???





























    ------ One Baby in TEN trashcans !!!! :devil: :lol:
     
  12. Crack Hitler

    Crack Hitler homeless

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    oi! someone else likes babyjokes, hahaa :devil:

    What's the difference between kicking a baby and kicking a soccer ball?
    -Nobody laughs when you kick a soccer ball.

    What's the best part about freezing babies?
    -You don't have to eat them right away.

    What's funnier than a dead baby?
    -A dead baby in a clown costume.

    And my favourite:

    What do you get when you stab a baby with an icepick?
    -An erection.

    :D
     
  13. Crack Hitler

    Crack Hitler homeless

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    A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
    His father says, "No...how old?"
    He says, "I'm eleven!"
    He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
    She says, "Come closer..."
    She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
    She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
    He says, "How could you tell?"
    She says, "I heard you tell your father."
     
  14. cedarbreed

    cedarbreed Don't mean nothin'

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    :lol: :lol: :lol:
    good ones Crack Hitler

    -------
    A boy is screwing his sister; He says :
    ' hey you know you fuck better than mom ? '
    ' I know ! Dad already told me ! ' She replies.
    -------
    i dunno if that one works in English but I try ...

    How do you call a two-legs dog ?





    You dont call him ! you pick him up !

    ---
     
  15. Crack Hitler

    Crack Hitler homeless

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    so you want more, huh? :D

    What's the difference between a baby and a cheetah?
    -A baby can't travel at 65 mph unless you drag it behind your car.

    What's the best thing about nailing a baby to a tree?
    -Tearing it off.
     
  16. cedarbreed

    cedarbreed Don't mean nothin'

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    what's little,red,yelling, and that cant turn around in a corridor ....... ?


    A BABY WITH A JAVELIN IN THE GUTS !
     
  17. Crack Hitler

    Crack Hitler homeless

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    classic:

    What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
    -Mr. Armstrong walked on the moon and Michael Jackson fucks little boys.
     
  18. cedarbreed

    cedarbreed Don't mean nothin'

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    those next ones goe out to all the British folks here :lol:

    What's the last thing to have entered Diana's head ?

    - Her vertebral column - :D

    What's the difference between Diana And Mother Theresa ?

    - One week :D

    What's the common point between Jeanne Calment and Diana ?

    - They both died at 120 ! :D

    hope you know Jeanne Calment :lol:
     
  19. cedarbreed

    cedarbreed Don't mean nothin'

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    :lol:
     
  20. Mariner

    Mariner all the way

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    Deep Political Shit
    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

    Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
    :)
     

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