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i almost crapped myself while reading this...

Discussion in 'GMD Social Forum' started by Black Orifice, Nov 20, 2008.

  1. Black Orifice

    Black Orifice Vein-Marbled Tower

    May 29, 2008
    Likes Received:
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    Münster, Germany
    a dude from the bloodbath forums posted this. apparently he would get on chat rooms to "cyber" people... turned out to be some of the funniest shit ever...

    bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
    BritneySpears14: Aight.
    bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
    BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
    bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
    BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
    bloodninja: Me too baby.
    BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
    bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
    BritneySpears14: Hey...
    bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
    BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
    bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
    BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
    bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
    bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
    BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
    bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
    bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
    bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
    bloodninja: Baby?

    bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
    j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
    bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
    j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
    j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
    bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
    j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
    j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
    bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
    j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
    bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
    j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
    bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
    bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
    j_gurli3: thats it.
    bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
    bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.


    BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
    eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
    BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
    eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
    BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
    BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
    eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
    BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
    eminemBNJA: Oh ****
    BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
    eminemBNJA: Oh ****
    eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

    Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
    Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
    Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
    Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
    Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
    Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
    Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
    Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
    Sarah19fca: you like that?
    Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
    Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
    Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
    Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
    Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
    Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
    Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
    Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
    Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
    Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
    Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
    Sarah19fca: /ignore
    Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
    Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.


    Bloodninja:Wanna cyber?
    DirtyKate:OK, but don't tell anybody ;-)
    DirtyKate:Who are you?
    Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
    Bloodninja:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
    DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
    Bloodninja:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
    DirtyKate: Haha! OK
    DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
    Bloodninja:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
    DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!
    Bloodninja:Is this a delivery?
    DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
    Bloodninja:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
    DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
    Bloodninja:You can't hurry good pizza.
    Bloodninja:I'm on my way now though
    DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.
    Bloodninja:How did you know?
    Bloodninja:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
    Bloodninja:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
    DirtyKate:Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
    Bloodninja:So you're still in the bathroom?
    DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
    Bloodninja:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
    DirtyKate:What the f**k?
    DirtyKate:You perverted piece of s**t


    Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
    MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
    Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****?
    MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
    Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
    Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
    MommyMelissa: is that it?
    Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
    Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
    MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
    Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
    Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
    MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
    Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
    Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.
    MommyMelissa: ...
    Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
    MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
    Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
    MommyMelissa: whatever.


    Partner6: So you're really a 18 yr old girl right?
    J-Dogg: Yeah, J for Julie.
    Partner6: So whats with the "Dogg"
    J-Dogg: Uh, It's cause I'm into the latina gangs and shit. You know, rollin with tha homies and shit.
    Partner6: Oh, uh ok thats cool. So you ever seen a gun?
    J-Dogg: Yeah like I got 6 guns.
    Partner6: Thats cool, so you wanna see my gun?
    J-Dogg: hehe, of course baby.
    Partner6: I pull off my pants and show you my "gun".
    J-Dogg: Ohh, it's so big.
    Partner6: Yeah, what you want to do?
    J-Dogg: Umm, i guess stroke it or something.
    Partner6: It likes that.
    J-Dogg: aight.
    Partner6: Keep talking to me baby...
    J-Dogg: I kiss you on the mouth, hard, but then gently.
    Partner6: Mmmm, daddy like.
    J-Dogg: I unzip my pants...
    Partner6: Yes, show me what you got.
    J-Dogg: I pull out my schlong, and rub it on your breasts...
    Partner6: WTF?!
    J-Dogg: Oh shit, I meant, your schlong! your schlong!
    Partner6: I've had it with you queers trying to cyber me, I only fuck women...
    J-Dogg: Shit just don't shoot me man, I wasn't serious about the guns I have, I'm unarmed!
    Partner6: You dipshit.
    J-Dogg: I whimper to myself...
    J-Dogg: please don't shoot me Mr.


    Chip@KWS10-01-2004, 04:55 PM

    J-Dogg: I see you in line at the supermarket. Our eyes meet.
    Partner8: Who the fuck are you?
    J-Dogg: I mouth the words to you, as if in slow motion:
    J-Dogg: Fuck me, Fuck me.
    J-Dogg: My wishes are like poetry in your eyes. We want this moment to last forever.
    Partner8: OMFG are you trying to cyber me?
    J-Dogg: We are like two dancers, for whom the music never stops. I Kiss the top of your hand. You are taken aback by the bulge that forms in your thigh.
    Partner8: Is that like cancer?
    J-Dogg: If cancer is our love, then I hope you don't have the technology of chemotherapy.
    Partner8: Good one romeo.
    J-Dogg: You grab the bulge that you feel. you tihink it must be taking over your mind, theres nothing else you can think of. My tubesteak to you is like a beautiful japanese haiku.
    The salmon swim at night.
    Towards your room.
    The snow and the moon.
    Partner8: that was never a haiku.
    J-Dogg: To your light bulb I am the Thomas Edison of your sex. Withought my light you would be lost in a sea of darkness.
    Partner8: That made even less sense than your "haiku"
    J-Dogg: So you ready to fuck then?
    Partner8: You unbutton my pants, spew your load at the sight of my underwear, and your spent.
    J-Dogg: ...
    Partner8: ?
    J-Dogg: I'm spent.


    Jdogg:whats goin on
    QT-Pie:Nothing. Who are you?
    Jdogg:Jdogg. Wanna cyber?
    QT-Pie:what does that mean?
    Jdogg:what are you wearing?
    QT-Pie:T-shirt. Jeans.
    Jdogg:Garter belt?
    Jdogg:Are we gonna cyber or not?
    QT-Pie: uh, okay.
    Jdogg:Sweet, I start by rubbing your ass all around. You love this.
    Jdogg: You're wet already. I can smell your pussy stink from here.
    QT-Pie: WHAT?!
    Jdogg: I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.
    Jdogg:You leave everything to jdogg.
    Jdogg:I am completely inside of you. You are my dick puppet. I put on a little play.
    QT-Pie:This is weird. I should go.
    Jdogg: I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.
    QT-Pie: A stripe?
    Jdogg: I need a sandwich.
    QT-Pie: You're a freak.
    Jdogg: I was great. You loved it.


    Girl: Hi
    Boy: hello
    Boy: who is this?
    Girl: just a someone?
    Boy: A someone I know?
    Girl: nope
    Boy: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
    Girl: well sorrrrrry
    Girl: I just wanted to chat with you
    Boy: why?
    Girl: nevermind your an asshole
    Boy: Hey wait a minute
    Girl: yes?
    Boy: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
    Girl: paranoid?
    Boy: yes
    Girl: of what?
    Girl: me?
    Boy: No. I'm in hiding.
    Girl: LOL
    Boy: Don't fucking laugh at me!
    Boy: This shit is serious!
    Girl: What are you hiding from?
    Boy: The cops.
    Girl: gimme a fucking break
    Boy: I'm serious.
    Girl: I don't get it
    Boy: The cops are after me.
    Girl: For what?
    Boy: I'm wanted in three states
    Girl: For???
    Boy: It's kindof embarrasing.
    Boy: I had sex with a turkey.
    Boy: Hello?
    Girl: You are fucking sick.
    Boy: Send me your picture.
    Girl: why?
    Boy: so I know you aren't one of them.
    Girl: One of what?
    Boy: The cops.
    Girl: I'm not a cop i told you
    Boy: Then send me your picture.
    Girl: hold on
    Boy: Hurry up.
    Boy: Are you there?
    Boy: fuck you, cop!
    Girl: Hey sorry
    Girl: I had to do something for my mom.
    Boy: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
    Boy: When really you were notifying the authorities.
    Boy: Weren't you!?
    Girl: thats not it
    Boy: Then what?
    Girl: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
    Boy: Most cops aren't
    Boy: Then send me the picture.
    Girl: fine. What's your e-mail?
    Boy: Just send it through here.
    Girl: alright *PIC*
    Girl: Did you get it?
    Boy: Hold on. I'm looking.
    Girl: That was me back in may
    Girl: I've lost weight since then.
    Boy: I hope so
    Girl: what?!?
    Girl: that hurt my feelings.
    Boy: Did it?
    Girl: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
    Boy: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
    Girl: yes
    Boy: Alright let me find it.
    Girl: kks
    Boy: Okay here it is. *PIC*
    Girl: this isn't you.
    Boy: I'll be damned if it ain't!
    Girl: You don't look like that.
    Boy: How the hell do you know?
    Girl: cause your profile has another picture.
    Boy: The profile pic is a fake.
    Boy: I use it to hide from the cops.
    Girl: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
    Boy: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
    Boy: Not to mention all the groceries.
    Girl: Go fuck yourself
    Boy: I was going to until I saw that picture
    Boy: Now my dick won't get hard for a week.
    Girl: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
    Girl: You've done nothing but slam me.
    Girl: you hurt me.
    Boy: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
    Girl: I thought you were bullshitting me!
    Boy: Why would I do that?
    Girl: I can't believe that cops are after you
    Boy: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
    Girl: FUC YOU!!!
    Boy: You'd break both of his legs.
    Girl: You're a FUCKing asshole.
    Girl: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
    Girl: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
    Boy: Ok. I'm sorry.
    Girl: No you aren't
    Boy: You're right. I'm not.
    Boy: HAARRRRR!
    Girl: I'm done with you
    Boy: Aww. I'm sorry.
    Girl: I'm putting you on ignore
    Boy: Wait a sec
    Boy: We got off on the wrong foot.
    Boy: Wanna start over?
    Girl: No
    Boy: I'll eat your pussy
    Girl: You'll what?
    Boy: You heard me.
    Boy: I said I'd eat your pussy.
    Girl: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
    Boy: Do I need a hard-on to eat your pussy?
    Girl: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
    Boy: Well I'm not like most men.
    Boy: I get excited in different ways.
    Girl: Like what?
    Boy: Do you really wanna know?
    Girl: I don't know
    Boy: You have to tell me yes or no.
    Girl: I'm afraid to
    Boy: Why?
    Girl: cause
    Boy: cause why?
    Girl: well lets see
    Girl: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
    Girl: doesn't that seem strange to you?
    Boy: Nope
    Girl: well its strange to me
    Boy: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
    Girl: I didn't say that
    Boy: So is that a yes?
    Girl: I guess so.
    Boy: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
    Boy: Are you willing?
    Girl: What do you need me to do?
    Boy: I need you talk like a pirate.
    Girl: ???
    Boy: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
    Boy: ok?
    Boy: Hello?
    Girl: You can't be serious
    Boy: Oh yes I am!
    Boy: It's my fantasy.
    Girl: this is retarded
    Boy: Do you want it or not?
    Girl: Yes I want it.
    Boy: Then you'll do it for me?
    Girl: sure
    Boy: Ok. Here we go.
    Boy: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
    Boy: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
    Boy: I softly begin to tounge your wet pussy.
    Boy: I run my tounge up and down your smooth slit.
    Girl: mmmm yeah
    Boy: uh oh ...going limp.
    Girl: Har
    Boy: You gotta do better than that!
    Boy: Your picture was really bad.
    Boy: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your pussy get more moist with every stroke.
    Boy: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
    Boy: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
    Boy: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
    Girl: mmmmmm you are good
    Boy: I feel your thighs tighten as I suck harder
    Boy: going limp
    Boy: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
    Boy: You begin to sway back and forth.
    Boy: going limp
    Girl: this is stupid
    Boy: ...still limp
    Boy: Do it!
    Boy: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
    Boy: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
    Boy: I see shit nuggets hanging from the hair around your asshole.
    Girl: WTF?!?!?
    Boy: They stink really bad.
    Girl: OMG STOP!!!
    Boy: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
    Boy: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
    Boy: I ram it up your ass.
    Boy: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
    Boy: And turn you into a fucking candy apple...
    Boy: I kick you in the face!
    Boy: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
    Boy: Your parrot flys away.
    Boy: ...going limp again.
    Boy: Hello?
    Boy: Say it!
    Boy: HAARRRRRR!!!!!
  2. Orion Crystal Ice

    Orion Crystal Ice Rider of the Astral Fire

    Aug 22, 2002
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    The Road to Purity
    teh old..........

    I don't remember where it's all from, but they're at least a few years old. ebaumsworld or something.

    One site that has a truckload of great ones is:

    It's just an author guy from NY talking to would-be-pedos who are often wiggerish or arabic or both.

    'Visited by Zeus', 'Join The Hive', and 'Gary Coleman Chicken Nugget' are some of the best ones.
  3. seedofvengeance

    Jan 29, 2008
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    Fuck You, I'm from Texas
  4. cookiecutter

    cookiecutter Proceed to Ultraslamming

    Feb 10, 2006
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    Toronto ON
    Did you just get an internet connection yesterday? Those are ancient.
  5. wandering_taco

    wandering_taco Minstrel of Woe

    Feb 18, 2007
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    Omg that last one is so funny, Im trying not to laugh loud or Ill wake everyone up, its so difficult!
  6. no country for old wainds

    Nov 23, 2002
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    you're like 10 years old you aren't old enough to read things like that. that's assuming i've travelled back to 2002 which must be the case because that was the last point in time when a person existed in the world who hadn't seen these convos before.
  7. Vimana

    Vimana Member

    Mar 2, 2007
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    I used to do stuff like that at my friends house.
  8. Orion Crystal Ice

    Orion Crystal Ice Rider of the Astral Fire

    Aug 22, 2002
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    The Road to Purity
    I miss being able to say "I put on my robe and wizard hat," and people finding it funny.

  9. no country for old wainds

    Nov 23, 2002
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    that vaguely reminds me of this guy i used to know who used to say 'paper hat?' (meant the same way as 'do you want a cookie?') all the time and it really annoyed me so i killed him
  10. Morgoth Bauglir

    Morgoth Bauglir New Metal Member

    Jul 24, 2007
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  11. Burning In Hell

    Burning In Hell New Metal Member

    Nov 6, 2008
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    On Location
    Fucking 12 years old.
  12. AchrisK

    AchrisK Weakling

    Jan 16, 2007
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    Arizona, USA
    I have never read or heard of any of that stuff, but then again I have a rl. But I must say, I had to stop reading it because I can't control my laughter, and I don't want people wondering, "what the F?". Hilarious!
  13. ShredHeadJHJ

    ShredHeadJHJ oh noes itz a opinionn

    Oct 15, 2007
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    Orlando, Florida
    Pretty damn funny stuff. I must admit, the guy's creative. The third one if hilarious.
  14. General Zaroff

    General Zaroff Registered Lunatic

    May 28, 2007
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    Ship Trap Island
    x2 :lol:
  15. The Heartbreak Kid

    The Heartbreak Kid Afterimage

    Jun 3, 2006
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    Portsmouth, England
    I couldnt be arsed to read them all but the Pizza one is pretty good.
  16. waif

    waif Member

    Sep 7, 2007
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    Think I'd read some before but still classic.
  17. whiskey funeral

    whiskey funeral Mother North

    Jun 11, 2008
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    New Jersey
    Stop posting dumb shit and mail out my mix CDs already, viewer. :p
  18. Systematic Riffage

    Systematic Riffage LZZY HALE'S #1 FAN

    Oct 4, 2006
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    :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

    That is so fucking classic dude
  19. supseudonymous

    supseudonymous &

    Jun 20, 2007
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    NJ, USA
  20. Black Orifice

    Black Orifice Vein-Marbled Tower

    May 29, 2008
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    Münster, Germany
    :lol::lol: that's the best part IMO

    i went from nothing straight to encyclopedia dramatica so those slipped through my finger tips. not to mention that i just got broadband like 5 months ago
    :lol: they should be on their way

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