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Issue 36 - the rules of prog!

Discussion in 'Songs To Watch' started by Demonspell, Mar 15, 2002.

  1. Demonspell

    Demonspell cheating the polygraph

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    Demonspell’s Songs To Watch presents
    The Unwritten Rules Of Progressive Rock & Metal

    1. Listen to prog (Obviously enough.)
    2. All who do not understand prog are musically inferior.
    3. Be simultaneously pensive and experimental if at all possible.
    4. Listen to your favorite prog albums in silent awe.
    5. Don't move at concerts. Just sit back and absorb the music...
    6. Repeat all of the above while denouncing any prog-basher.
    7. Never ever under any circumstances listen to Spock's Beard or Platypus.
    8. When someone asks you if you enjoy Genesis, always point out "the prog Genesis". Phil Collins is a soft-rock sellout. Same goes for Yes.
    9. Don't be James Labrie. Complain about this entry.
    10. Never ever under any circumstances say "Hear In The New Frontier ruled."
    11. Don't be Kelly Gray.
    12. Proggies don't take out the garbage. They dispose of the refuse of icons past.
    13. Don't pronounce words as silly as Charlie Domenici did on When Dream and Day Unite.
    14. Make sure your album goes out of print quickly so prog fans will value it as a forgotten masterpiece.
    15. When in doubt, say "epic progressive symphonic metal."
    16. If that doesn't work, a synth solo or long instrumental excursion can fill any silence.
    17. Turn any triangle you see into a Pink Floyd logo, or any M into a majesty symbol.
    18. Nipple twisting is not a progressive activity.
    19. Write an internet-only prog zine. Feature interviews and reviews that no non-proggie would know.
    20. Always be open minded...as long as it's prog.
    21. The best songs are those that are over 15 minutes, have multiple named sections, and have solos by everyone in the band except the drummer.
    22. Don't be John Arch. Insist that any pre-Alder Fates is 100% not prog.
    23. Don't make jokes, unless they are in jokes among proggies.
    24. When in doubt, stare with a blank reflection.
    25. To producers of progressive metal albums: Bad production is absolutely unacceptable. You must be able to hear every nuance and instrument.
    26. Make sure that more than half of the members in your band are involved in outside projects a la Dream Theater.
    27. When in concert, always include improvised jam sessions and/or never play the exact same setlist. This will ensure your fans something new to look forward to at every gig.
    28. Or you could never play live (see Shadow Gallery) or only at multi-artist festivals.
    29. When getting ready to a show, always forget that nobody at prog concerts pays attention to the audience, including the band.
    30. When asked by a non-proggie what prog really is, say something like, “prog is the evolution of musical expression and experimentalism in rock”, in any case, make sure that the person is left to come up with his own definition of prog.
    31. Fire one of your band members, and claim he left because he was going in a pop direction.
    32. Reform with old members and release an album intended to make up for years of bad reception from fans (see Yes) or claim your next album will be a return to past glory (see Queensryche).
    33. If it flops, be sure to blame a producer or record company.
    34. Record everything in different studios with multiple producers, exotic instrumentation, expensive equipment, etc.
    35. Make sure your album cover contains either a computer-drawn image, a lavish painting, or is illustrated by Roger Dean or Hugh Syme.
    36. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then make many religious and/or spiritual allusions in the lyrics.
    37. Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write an album in the prog vein, you don’t necessarily have to.
    38. Never write a song under four minutes unless it is an instrumental or is part of a larger concept.
    39. All lyrics must have some mythological references and/or include words rarely used in casual conversation. This is not optional.
    40. When referring to sex with a proggie use dense metaphorical language. Actually, this applies to just about every activity.
    41. Thoroughly enjoy fantasy and science fiction, if only for their influence on prog.
    42. Use prog quotes (especially from Neil Peart) at any given time.
    43. If you suddenly find yourself being transformed into John Myung, never say a word to anyone and show absolutely no emotion.
    44. Own hundreds of prog albums, bootlegs, rarities, etc. and listen to all of them regularly.
    45. Refrain from using headbanging smileys. (Ok, BB-specific one.)
    46. Playing in 4/4 and writing about sex, drugs, and parties is not prog, unless it is meant to create irony or have some deeper hidden meaning.
    47. Don’t take pride in your home town, state, or country. Prog is a universal language.
    48. Don’t be David Gilmour. There is no Floyd without Roger.
    49. Insist that following prog does not make one a nerd.
    50. Try to draw connections between obscure references in albums.
    51. Don’t make non-prog references when describing prog albums.
    52. If possible, design the title of your album that it refers to some imaginary place that nonetheless serves as a metaphor for this world (Metropolis pt. II, The Towers Of Avarice, The Global Village, Remedy Lane, etc.) But also be aware that one-word titles can be equally effective (Awake, Signals, etc.)
    53. Never collaborate with anyone signed to Magna Carta.
    54. If it’s rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
    55. If you’re not a proggie, stop reading this. You won’t understand.
    56. Own every (insert 70s cult prog act here) release. Every proggie has at least one lesser known band he is absolutely obsessed with.
    57. Own rare bootlegs that you’re sure nobody else has heard.
    58. Attempt to throw in instrumental sections that non-proggies will consider random, but will be appreciated and studied by prog fans.
    59. In order to make your recording more progressive, be sure to include a lyricist that will have a prodigious grasp of the English language and incredible poetic ability.
    60. You mean you have been reading this when you could have been practicing along to 2112 or composing a sidelong epic? Shame!

    Yet another ripoff of the 101 rules of black metal. How entirely not prog.
    An Alliance Production. All rights reserved.
     
  2. Sóti

    Sóti Surrealist

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    meowing tiger fish action abotic
     
  3. jimbobhickville

    jimbobhickville Tyrant in Distress

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    That list make me realize how much of a proggie I am, :lol:
     
  4. MetalAges

    MetalAges Metal Is As Metal Does.
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    My fav:

    12. Proggies don't take out the garbage. They dispose of the refuse of icons past.
     
  5. Unregistered

    Unregistered Guest

    hehe, I'm guilty :D
     
  6. metalized

    metalized Member

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    I always knew... it is my destiny to progress to farewell within remains... of seas untoldly reliable to climb upon... :lol: :lol: :lol:
    is that prog enough? Do i get to be prog? PLZ? :lol:
     
  7. Unregistered

    Unregistered Guest

    pink floyd sux they are so slow and boring shame on you who cares if money is in 7/4 they still suck ,symphony x ,one of the best prog bands ever
     
  8. ElPredicador

    ElPredicador Yeah... Whatever

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    mmm, various entries are the same from the 101 rules for dark/black metal
     
  9. MardyAss

    MardyAss Member

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    Argh! Where is that 101 rules of dark/black metal?
     
  10. ElPredicador

    ElPredicador Yeah... Whatever

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    search for it here on ultimate metal's forums, cvan't remember the exact place
     
  11. SilverBlade

    SilverBlade The Fool next door

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    Half of these made me laugh :lol: I like:

    14. Make sure your album goes out of print quickly so prog fans will value it as a forgotten masterpiece.

    15. When in doubt, say "epic progressive symphonic metal."

    54. If it’s rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.

    I ain't a proggie though :rolleyes: but I am open for influence!
     
  12. DE

    DE vote bnp

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    :lol:


    wp demonspell :)
     
  13. m1nd

    m1nd New Metal Member

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    My favourites among prog bands:

    Dream Theater - great instrumentalists

    Symphony X - Heavy and one of the worlds best singer, Sir Russel Allen

    Pagans Mind - A great band that I just have discovered

    Vanden Plas - Wonderful german prog

    Evergrey - Almost the greatest album ever is "Recreation day"
     
  14. Judas Pissed

    Judas Pissed MEATL

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    Prog makes me laugh. Laugh then feel sorry for everyone involved.
     
  15. Anything from Rush & Dream Theater rules!!!
     

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