This site is supported by the advertisements on it, please disable your AdBlocker so we can continue to provide you with the quality content you expect.

Welcome to Our Community

Wanting to join the rest of our members? Feel free to sign up today.

Jokes

Discussion in 'Saxon' started by saxonfan, Dec 6, 2002.

  1. Sammi951

    Sammi951 Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2002
    Messages:
    1,145
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    Hyde, Manchester
    And another!!

    According to a survey, 98% of men said they would like to "come back" as a tablecloth...

    The reason being that it's the only fucking chance they've got of getting laid three times a day, and then being pulled off last thing at night!! :D :eek: :tickled:
     
  2. WILKS

    WILKS Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2002
    Messages:
    1,422
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    Underground
    THATS A CRACKER SAMI951 ITS GOOD TO READ JOKES THAT DONT MAKE WIFE GO"OH IAIN THATS SHIT" NICE ONE:lol:
    BLOKE WALKS INTO A BAR
    OUCH!!

    WHAT ARE BOB MARLEYS FAVOURITE SANDWICH
    ONE WITH JAMMIN
     
  3. dragonmaiden

    dragonmaiden Lady of the Vale Forlorn

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2002
    Messages:
    1,162
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    Hartlepool, UK
    Love the tablecloth joke Sammi951! :lol: :tickled:
     
  4. saxonfan

    saxonfan Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2002
    Messages:
    281
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Location:
    CHICAGO,IL,U.S.A.
    What's the difference between a vaccuum cleaner and a Harley? You can only fit one dirtbag on a vaccuum!
     
  5. Crusader

    Crusader Metal addict

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2002
    Messages:
    831
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Good one Wilks! :lol:
     
  6. Paxoman

    Paxoman Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2002
    Messages:
    2,528
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    A stranger in a strange land!
    Two peanuts walk into a bar
    One was a salted
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    A jump-lead walks into a bar.
    The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    A sandwich walks into a bar.
    The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here. "
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
    "Pint please, and one for the road."
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A
    woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
    The man says "A premature ejaculation".
    "What?" says the woman.
    The man says "I've just come in my pants."
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
    The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Two cannibals are eating a clown.
    One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
    Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
    "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "It's not unusual."
    ---------------------------------------------------------
    Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
    "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
    "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------
    A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
    The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an
    electron."
    The other says, "Are you sure?"
    The first replies,"Yes, I'm positive..."
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Answerphone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash
    key...."
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
    “Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
    "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
    "No, because he's really heavy"
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
    in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
    "It's... um... well... I have five penises" replies the man
    "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
    "Like a glove."
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with chocolate sauce and hundreds & thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
     
  7. Paxoman

    Paxoman Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2002
    Messages:
    2,528
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    A stranger in a strange land!
    A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited.
    His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young
    doctor told her to send him in.

    Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just as
    the man came in. "Yes, that's right. The fee is £200. Yes, I'll
    expect you ten past two. Alright. No later. I'm a very busy man."

    He hung up and turned to the man waiting. "May I help you?"

    "No," said the man, "I just came in to install the phone."
     
  8. RicknRoll

    RicknRoll Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2002
    Messages:
    392
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Location:
    Seattle WA USA
    Two guys sitting around talkin about viagra

    One says to the other, this stuff really work?

    Other guy says yeah works great!

    Same guy who asked if it works, "says can you get it over the counter"

    and the other guy "Says I think I can If I take a couple more"
     
  9. Crusader

    Crusader Metal addict

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2002
    Messages:
    831
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    18
    :guh: :eek: :eek: :lol:
     
  10. WILKS

    WILKS Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2002
    Messages:
    1,422
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    Underground
    PAXOMAN SHOULD BE...................PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FILL IN THE REST. THEY ARE SOME OF THE WORST JOKES I HAVE EVER READ.
    ANYWAY. HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE NEW CORDROY PILLOWS CURRENTLY MAKING HEADLINES.
     
  11. Crusader

    Crusader Metal addict

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2002
    Messages:
    831
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Impotence - Natures way to say it's hard times.
     
  12. Twisted Tony

    Twisted Tony Old School Metalhead

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2002
    Messages:
    352
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Location:
    Bricktown, NJ
    3 men into heaven


    It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

    The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

    The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.

    The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man,
    'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

    'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give
    up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

    'Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

    The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces,
    'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.

    A few seconds later the next guy comes up.

    'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'

    The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

    'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

    The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

    'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.

    A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task.
    'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

    The man says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator. . .'


    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  13. saxonfan

    saxonfan Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2002
    Messages:
    281
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Location:
    CHICAGO,IL,U.S.A.
    Now that's funny,thanks for the laugh..
     
  14. Twisted Tony

    Twisted Tony Old School Metalhead

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2002
    Messages:
    352
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Location:
    Bricktown, NJ
    Husband Shopping Center

    There was this "Husband Shopping Center" where a woman could go to choose a husband from many,many men.

    It was laid out over 5 floors,with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.
    The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

    So a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.


    First Floor
    The door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids."
    The women read the sign and say,"Well that's better then not having jobs, or not loving kids, but i wonder what's further up?"

    So up they go.

    Second Floor

    "These men have hig paying jobs,love kids,and are extremely good looking" Hmm,say the girls. But I wonder what's further up?"

    Third Floor

    "These men have high paying jobs,are extremely good looking,love kids and help with housework. "WOW" say the women. Very tempting BUT, there's more further up! And up they go.

    Fourth Floor

    "These men have hig paying jobs,love kids,are extremely good looking, help with housework,and have a strong romantic streak.

    "Oh mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further up! So up to the Fifth Floor they go.


    Fifth Floor

    The sign on the door said, "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please.

    "PLEASE EXIT THE BUILDING AND HAVE A NICE DAY"


    :lol:
     
  15. WILKS

    WILKS Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2002
    Messages:
    1,422
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    Underground
    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: NICE ONE TWISTED TONY:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  16. Crusader

    Crusader Metal addict

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2002
    Messages:
    831
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    18
    I came up with this on, I promise!
    The brand-new way of tearing down a building is the Talibanway©, you fill a little toyplane with fuel and just fly it to crash in the building, the building is destructed in matter of minutes.
    :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  17. Sammi951

    Sammi951 Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2002
    Messages:
    1,145
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    Hyde, Manchester
    Nices ones Tony...For the record, I'd have been happy with the First Floor - I mean, finding a man with those two attributes is like finding a needle in a haystack these days!! :lol: Course, like most women, I'd rather have the Fourth Floor man...but I don't believe in miracles!! :lol:
     
  18. Paxoman

    Paxoman Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2002
    Messages:
    2,528
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    A stranger in a strange land!
    Good ones Tony!
     
  19. RicknRoll

    RicknRoll Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2002
    Messages:
    392
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Location:
    Seattle WA USA
    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
    been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face
    is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
    "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
    "That little snot, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must
    have had something in his hand."
    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin he gave me with it."
    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
    "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
    beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
    :D
     
  20. Sammi951

    Sammi951 Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2002
    Messages:
    1,145
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    Hyde, Manchester
    LMAO!!! Nice one Rick! :lol: :)
     

Share This Page

  • About Us

    Our music community has been around for almost 15 years and we pride ourselves on offering great metal music discussion, as well as music production and other closely related topics. We work hard every day to make sure our community is one of the best. Enjoy!
  • Like us on Facebook

  • Donate ♥

    We have worked hard for 15 years (and running) to make sure our Metal community is running fast, uses the best software, and isn't overloaded with advertising. If you love the forum as much as we love bringing it to you, please show your support with a generous donation. We really appreciate it!