Thanks, Scott308. (He e-mailed this to me) > New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a >> reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't >> particularly like them! Besides, >> I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: >> mowing my lawn. >> >> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless >> you're a seagull. People >> are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's >> chili. Hey, it cost >> less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? >> >> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, >> blonde teachers are >> permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky >> bastards. >> >> New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, >> you're a dope. If you're a >> kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, >> they're pictures of men. >> >> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care >> about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. >> >> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle >> of this crap at the >> supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored >> water is called a soft >> drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it >> melt. That's your flavored >> water. >> >> New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a >> redesigned pill bottle that's >> square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the >> time grandpa figures out >> how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, >> you just solved the >> Social Security crisis. >> >> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the >> asshole. If you walk into a >> Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, >> double-shot, >> gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and >> one NutraSweet," ooh, >> you're a huge asshole. >> >> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my >> card, entering my PIN >> number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no , I don't >> want cash back, and >> pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is >> standing there eating my >> Almond Joy. >> >> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't >> make you spiritual. It's >> right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with >> broccoli." The last time you >> did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. >> You're not spiritual. >> You're just high. >> >> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly >> sins. ESPN recently >> televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those >> athletes at the poker table >> was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. >> They're already doing >> that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." >> >> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, >> I'll go nuts and eat >> two. >> >> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, >> old television shows, >> then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see >> what's playing on the >> other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show >> in the first place is >> that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. >> >> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for >> weddings. Now it's for >> babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff >> you want and having other >> people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of >> looting.