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New Rules by Bill Maher

Discussion in 'Anthrax' started by ThraxDude, Aug 25, 2006.

  1. ThraxDude

    ThraxDude Member

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    Thanks, Scott308. (He e-mailed this to me)
    > New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
    classmates.com! There's a
    >> reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
    >> particularly like them! Besides,
    >> I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days:
    >> mowing my lawn.
    >>
    >> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
    >> you're a seagull. People
    >> are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's
    >> chili. Hey, it cost
    >> less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
    >>
    >> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
    >> blonde teachers are
    >> permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky
    >> bastards.
    >>
    >> New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
    >> you're a dope. If you're a
    >> kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man,
    >> they're pictures of men.
    >>
    >> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
    >> about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
    >>
    >> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
    >> of this crap at the
    >> supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored
    >> water is called a soft
    >> drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
    >> melt. That's your flavored
    >> water.
    >>
    >> New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
    >> redesigned pill bottle that's
    >> square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the
    >> time grandpa figures out
    >> how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target,
    >> you just solved the
    >> Social Security crisis.
    >>
    >> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
    >> asshole. If you walk into a
    >> Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
    >> double-shot,
    >> gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and
    >> one NutraSweet," ooh,
    >> you're a huge asshole.
    >>
    >> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
    >> card, entering my PIN
    >> number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no , I don't
    >> want cash back, and
    >> pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is
    >> standing there eating my
    >> Almond Joy.
    >>
    >> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
    >> make you spiritual. It's
    >> right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with
    >> broccoli." The last time you
    >> did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
    >> You're not spiritual.
    >> You're just high.
    >>
    >> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
    >> sins. ESPN recently
    >> televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
    >> athletes at the poker table
    >> was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
    >> They're already doing
    >> that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
    >>
    >> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
    >> I'll go nuts and eat
    >> two.
    >>
    >> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
    >> old television shows,
    >> then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see
    >> what's playing on the
    >> other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show
    >> in the first place is
    >> that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
    >>
    >> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
    >> weddings. Now it's for
    >> babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff
    >> you want and having other
    >> people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of
    >> looting.
     
  2. Karina_666

    Karina_666 Member

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  3. MikeyBong

    MikeyBong Member

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    I've seen these before, but I read 'em all again anyway! Classic stuff!:lol:
     
  4. DarbysDad

    DarbysDad Timmy! Timmy!!! Timmy!!!

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    Thanks Tad!!!
     
  5. Riehlthing

    Riehlthing It's "The Amish" To You

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    yeah, just as good the 2nd time reading them
     
  6. prime666

    prime666 Member

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    put a smile on my face. Off to medicated the dogs.
     
  7. augdawg2

    augdawg2 F.U.2 Master

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    Awesome mang,

    That was great! Carlins one of my personal favs!

    AugDawg
     
  8. Adolescence In Red

    Adolescence In Red New Metal Member

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    Are you sure this is George Carlin material ? It sounds JUST like one of Bill Maher's 'New Rules' segments from 'Real Time with Bill Maher' on HBO. And by the way, the new season of which premieres tonight.
     
  9. DELIRI0US N0MAD

    DELIRI0US N0MAD Aftermath..Shades of Hell

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    Correct.
    It's not George Carlin's stuff, but it's still good stuff. :headbang:
     
  10. MichiMikey

    MichiMikey Member

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    Hey man, get your SHIT of the dresser so I can put my STIFF there,,,,LMAO!!!
     
  11. THEBALDGUYFROMBLACKLODGEVIDEO

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    Still good stuff? George Carlin, even in Alzheimer condition, kicks any other comedian's ass and then will talk some more about pussy farts.:kickass:
     
  12. Catharsis70

    Catharsis70 Member

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    Saw Carlin in Vegas last year. Killed! Guy is as sharp as ever. He does Vegas as a test run for new material before he tapes the next HBO special... Some of it was extreme and raw even for Carlin. Best part of the whole trip.
     
  13. ThraxDude

    ThraxDude Member

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    Not Carlin? OOPS. I'll go ahead and blame that on whoever sent Scott308 the e-mail. Sounds like Carlin though.
     
  14. Stormwatch

    Stormwatch Cock.

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    I just dont seem to find American humour very humourous. No idea why but that stuff doesn't even make me smile never mind laugh.
     
  15. Riehlthing

    Riehlthing It's "The Amish" To You

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    not sophistimicated enuff to get our jeff foxworthy, carlin, titus, maher and ron white?
     
  16. MichiMikey

    MichiMikey Member

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    Carlos Mencia is the shit. He did some stuff on HBO a few years back that was funny as &%$#! The CC show isn't bad either. He is right on with all the black/white/hispanic stuff......:lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  17. Midnight625

    Midnight625 New Metal Member

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    god i love george carlin, i saw him live and im wearin my list of bad words shirt by him
     
  18. DarbysDad

    DarbysDad Timmy! Timmy!!! Timmy!!!

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    yeah those guys are too much like Benny Hill and Paul Hogan :headbang: :kickass:
     
  19. DarbysDad

    DarbysDad Timmy! Timmy!!! Timmy!!!

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    Doo, Doo Doo :lol:
     
  20. THEBALDGUYFROMBLACKLODGEVIDEO

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    poor fuckin' us... we can't even spell humor properly...
     

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