Also I'm sure everyone is going to write this off, but in this situation I don't think it's fully fair to rip on john. While he may do the whole self loathing thing a lot, I can understand and empathize with his aversion to old age. Whether he feels this affects him or not (maybe it does, maybe it doesnt, maybe its a small part) I think some of the situations he's been in can contribute to that since I've experienced kinda the same thing. I'm not an expert on John, nor do I know him in real life, but one thing I recall is he talked about how his dad died from cancer, and if that's so then I can understand the apathy and hatred towards aging and the loss of dignity he perceives that comes with it. my dad had cancer and died as well, and no matter what age you are (but especially if you're young when people normally feel invincible, unstoppable) it has a huge impact on you. it's not like natural causes where you may have some warning, they may seem fairly normal still (though there are some exceptions), with cancer a lot of the time you don't know and it robs you of many human factors. there was no his time is getting short, lets go visit and say our piece and wish him well into the beyond, in my case one day i got a call from my brother saying dad is in the hospital, this might be it, i get there and stay with him for a few hours as he's so ill all he can do is convulse and can't speak until he finally lets go. if you see someone who you've known your whole life to be vibrant and a role model degraded by a disease into that, it's no surprise you don't want to let anything steal away your health/youth/humanity and that the thought of the inevitable makes you apathetic and depressed. the very specifically fucked up situations and effects of that, combined with that being a huge wakeup call when you're young and normally shouldn't even be thinking about something like that can make anyone lose a bit of their grip and it's not a weakness in character that you may feel self loathing. judging if someone is handling it well or not i don't think anyone can do, even those who have been in the same scenario (i was pretty fucked up and still am, maybe not as much as john, maybe more i don't know but i'm not going to pass judgment on if he's just feeling sorry for himself). sometimes there are deeper causes for things that even the person themselves don't know and in this case i don't think its fair. john may get down on himself for some really insignificant things sometimes (most people do) but in this case it's pretty understandable. he's not complaining about how he wants to kill himself over losing the baseball game or being turned down by a date, so if you're going to rip on him for self loathing at least save it for something less understandable than this. i have no doubts 99% of you are going to write this off as just a worthless long post; be my guest, i take solace in at least knowing i got it off my chest even if no one cares. there are some things you cant fathom until you actually experience them and coming to grips with them is different for everyone, this is just one big example.