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The joke thread (WARNING: sometimes NSFW)

Discussion in 'LORD' started by StephenSLR, Nov 23, 2005.

  1. Spikes Red

    Spikes Red Member

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    Two blondes sitting on a bench talking & one says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?
    The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida???

    What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?..
    Last year's hide-n-seek winner.


    A husband says to a wife: "I don't understand how people can be both happy and sad about something at the same time...that's impossible." The wife replies: "Sure its possible, here's an example...you have a much bigger penis, than all of your friends."


    A family is at the dinner table.
    The son asks his father,
    "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
    The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, a woman goes through three phases."
    "In her 20's, a woman's boobs are like melons: round and firm...."
    "In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears: still nice, but hanging a bit."
    "After 50, they are like onions."
    "Onions?"
    "Yes. You see them, and they make you cry."
    This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said,
    "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
    The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
    "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also."
    "In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree: mighty and hard."
    "In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch: flexible, but reliable."
    "After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree."
    "A Christmas tree?"
    "Yes --- dead from the roots up, and the balls are just for decoration."
     
  2. Si

    Si The Trickster's Bitch

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    Reminds me of a similar joke. A boy asks his father, "Dad, what does a vagina look like?"
    Dad says "Before sex, a vagina looks like a beautiful pink rose, opening to the dawn, touched ever so softly with morning dew."
    The kid takes this in, then says, "What about after sex?"
    Dad looks at his son and says "Ever see a bulldog eating custard?"
     
  3. Bucko

    Bucko Member

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    PLEASE DIG DEEP PEOPLE


    Torrential rain hit Queanbeyan in the early hours of Wednesday 8th December 2010.


    Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, flannies soaked, woollen trackies sagging, muttering 'Faaackinell'.


    Flood waters devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage, $10 of that at Karabar alone.


    Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.


    The Queanbeyan Age reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Queanbeyan.


    One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old Mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter Chardonnay-Mercedes came running in to my bedroom crying.
    My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all.'


    Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal with a 95.7 % saturation rate.


    The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals particularly those at Jerrabomberra also known as Lower Tralee or East Machonachie.


    Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart and Bone China from Big W.



    HOW CAN YOU HELP?



    This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.


    Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
    flannelette Shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue &
    white) white sport socks, Ugg boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.


    Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
    Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked Beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

    Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of winny blues.
     
  4. Falkor

    Falkor J.B.C.M

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    :lol::lol:
     
  5. TROOPER MICK

    TROOPER MICK Member

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    An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.




    When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

    She explode and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."




    The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

    The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

    'But I didn't use them," she said.

    ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

    He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

    "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

    "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

    No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

    The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

    The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

    "But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

    "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."



    Don't mess with Senior Citizens
     
  6. TROOPER MICK

    TROOPER MICK Member

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    * TESTICULATING.
    Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

    * BLAME STORMING.
    Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

    * SEAGULL MANAGER.
    A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
    * CUBE FARM.
    An office filled with cubicles.

    * PRAIRIE DOGGING.
    When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
    * SALAD DODGER.
    An overweight person.

    * SWAMP DONKEY.
    A deeply unattractive person..

    * AEROPLANE BLONDE.
    One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

    * PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
    The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

    * OH-NO SECOND.
    That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').

    * GREYHOUND.
    A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.


    * MILLENNIUM DOMES.
    The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

    * MONKEY BATH .
    A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

    * MYSTERY BUS.
    The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10 th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

    * TART FUEL.
    Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

    * TRAMP STAMP.
    Tattoo on the lower back of a female.

    * PICASSO BUM.
    A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
     
  7. StephenSLR

    StephenSLR Member

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  8. TROOPER MICK

    TROOPER MICK Member

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    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
    traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the
    conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than
    150 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American
    archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
    published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
    250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors
    already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier
    than the British".

    One week later, the Bulletin, in Queensland , reported the following:
    "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Townsville, Lucky
    Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
    found absolutely f--k all. Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago,
    Australia had already gone wireless."

    Just makes you bloody proud to be an aussie
     
  9. StephenSLR

    StephenSLR Member

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    There's a pair of Siamese twin sisters, joined at the hip. One plays the saxophone, the other is a nymphomaniac. They're both big David Coverdale fans.

    One day, they notice that Coverdale is going to perform in their town, so they decide to go.

    While they're sitting there in the front row, the nymphomaniac Siamese twin starts making eyes at David. He notices and stars making eyes back at her. This goes on for the whole show, and the twins end up getting invited backstage to his dressing room where David and the nymphomaniac Siamese twin go at it with each other all around the room. They fuck like rabbits in every conceivable postion, while the other Siamese twin hangs on for dear life and plays a selection of Coverdale's back-catalogue on the saxophone for them.

    A year goes by, and the Siamese twins notice that Coverdale is going to be performing in their town again. "Hey," the nymphomaniac Siamese twin says, "David Coverdale is coming back to town! Maybe we should call him up so we can get together with him again and party."

    "Oh, forget it," says the other one. "He'll never remember us."

    s
     
  10. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    ^ :lol:

    What's the worst possible outcome when buying a CD for $10?
    Getting a Nickel back.
     
  11. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Cook it in the oven until its Bill Withers.
     
  12. Spikes Red

    Spikes Red Member

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    Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

    The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

    Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    What a woman says...

    This place is a mess! C'mon!
    You and I need to clean up!
    Your stuff is lying on the floor and
    You'll have no clothes to wear if we
    don't do laundry right now!

    What a man hears...

    blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
    YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
    blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
    blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
    blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!


    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, "What size?"
    He says, "I don't know."
    She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"
    He says, "Bigger."
    She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"
    He says, "Smaller?"
    She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."
    She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

    She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

    The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."


    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz "behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?" she asked. "an apple" replied little Raymond "no," said the teacher " it's a tomato but it shows your thinking." "I've now got something round, a greenish colored you can eat it." "An apple," replied little Ian "No it's an onion, but it shows your thinking." Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says "I've got something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end." "Dirty little boy," said the teacher "No it's a match, but it shows you were thinking," he answered.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

    Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

    "That's true," said Paul.

    "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

    "Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

    "Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."


    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

    "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

    "I'm a hit man," was the reply.

    "You're joking!" was the response.

    "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

    "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

    "I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

    "Can you do two for me now?"

    "Sure, what do you want?"

    "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

    The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
     
  13. Spikes Red

    Spikes Red Member

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    This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so fucking fine, of course I would!" Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a fag!"



    A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

    After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

    Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

    After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"





    A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her fucking husband!"



    A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife, "What�s the problem?" She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."



    A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn�t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?�" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
     
  14. Bloopy

    Bloopy Active Member

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    How much coke did Charlie Sheen snort?
    Enough to kill two and a half men.
     
  15. Bucko

    Bucko Member

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    gold
     
  16. Lord Tim

    Lord Tim That guy from LORD

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    A+ would read again. :lol:
     
  17. Bucko

    Bucko Member

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    Texting Codes for Senior Citizens -

    ATD At The Doctor's BFF Best Friend Fell
    BTW Bring the Wheelchair BYOT Bring Your Own Teeth
    ...FWIW Forgot Where I Was GGPBL Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
    GHA Got Heartburn Again IMHO Is My Hearing-Aid On
    LMDO Laughing My Dentures Out LOL Lying On Lounger
    OMMR On My Massage Recliner OMSG Oh My! Sorry, Gas
    ROFLACGU Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up FKI Fiber Kicking In
    TTYL Talk To You Louder WTP Where's The Pills?
     
  18. Winmar

    Winmar Pillock of society

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    My wife reckons she can tell how good a film is by how many tissues she goes through.

    Funnily enough, I have a similar system.
     
  19. cro4eva

    cro4eva Member

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    :lol:
     
  20. Spikes Red

    Spikes Red Member

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    HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE

    George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

    He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

    He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

    Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

    George said, "Okay."

    He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

    Then he phoned the police again.

    "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

    Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

    George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
     

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