the JOKE thread

[blackeyed]

Are you sitting comfortably? well i shall begin...

there once was a man who was very happy in life but always strived for success. when walking across the street one day he was knocked down by a bus and died.
when he reached heaven he stood at the gates and waited for his name to be called out. then an angel looked up from her list of names and said to him 'Bob, will you please climb the golden staircase to success.'
Bob was well excited at what the angel had said to him, so willingly he climbed the golden staircase with success in mind.
When he reached the top of the staircase, he was met by another angel who turned to him and said, 'Bob, climb this staircase to success - it is long and hard.'
Bob once again climbed the staircase that the angel had told him to only to be greeted by a third angel a seraphim this time. Bob said to the angel 'Listen love, i was told that if i climbed the staircase i would get success - and i dont feel successful, i am not rich and i am not famous - so would you like to tell me what the fuck is going on up here?'
the seraphim laughed to himself and said, 'No Bob, you misunderstand. Please climb this staircase to success.' with a reluctant sigh Bob climbed the final staircase. as he was nearing the top he saw an old man sat on a chair.
Bob, slightly confused spoke to the man, 'Hi um, the angel downstairs said i was to climb the staircase to success.'
the old man on the chair wipped out his cock and said 'Yeah i know. I am Cess.'

 

[Alwin]

naughty naughty

 

[blackeyed]

heheheh - my 14 year old sister told me that one....tis a classic...

 

[Bastet]

hahaha!
battered fish: ace!

 

[blackeyed]

e'are i've got a joke for yous

YER MA



that was pretty crap really

 

[MetallicaSux]

These two nuns was driving down the street in transelvania when this vampire flew against the windscreen and started scratching to get through the window. So the one nun shouts to the other, put on your wipers, maybe we can knock him off, but this vampire is pursistant and it just continues. So the one nun tells the other, spay him with your window water sprayer, i put holy water in it it should work, but this vampire hasn't had blood in ages, it is almost getting through. So the one nun turns to the other nun and say, show him your cross, so the nun winds down the window and sticks her head out and shouts, get off the FUCKING car!!!!

 

[blackeyed]

hahahahahahahahaha that was hilarious hahahahahahaha

 

[bleed_black_orchid]

Whats the difference between michael jackson and an asda bag

One's white plastic and dangerous to kids and the other one you put yer shopping in ...

Que the flying rotten vedge

 

[blackeyed]

you dont spell veg like 'vedge' retard hahahahhahahaha shouldnt you be doing your clait work anyway instead of trawling the forums?????
BTW your clait tutors head looks like a Cream Egg
now theres a joke for yer

 

[bleed_black_orchid]

Clait me bum lid as if I know how to make a questionnaire!

CREAM EGG HEAD hahahahhahaha my sides are splitting ... altho the light shines so beautifully off his shiny noggin.

 

[MetallicaSux]

This mother gave birth one day and when it was dilivered it was nothing more then a head. So the doctors pleade with the perants to let it go, but being perants they decided to love and care for it like a normal child. So the years went on and the head got older. But its 8th birthday, the perants asked it what it wants, and all it wanted was to have a body so it can run and play like normal kids, but the perants regretablly informed it they are unable. 10th birthday came and again the perants asked it what it wanted and again all it wanted was to have a body so it can run and play like normal kids, but the perants regretablly informed it they are unable. 12th birtday came and the same, and so it went on for a few years. On its 16th birhday when it woke up, the perants stormed into the room and told the head that there has been a new medical breakthrough and it was abled to get a body. So off they went to the hospital to have the operation. After a long oporations the head woke up with its new body and jump up with joy, it ran so fast it took it out of the hospital and into the street where a car came speeding round the corner ran him down and killed him. So what is the moral of the story?










Once your ahead, stay ahead.

 

[Malaclypse]

why do women use make-up and perfume?

because they're ugly and smelly.

 

[toolsofthetrade]

a beautiful blonde woman enters the doctor's practice, undresses herself instantly and says
"doc! doc! if i press here (boob) it hurts!"

the physician looks at her, rubs his chin but doesnt say anything, while the woman keeps reciting her line "doctor! when i press here, it hurts!" over and over again, pressing several other spots on her body.

"what the hell is wrong with me!?"

then the docter takes a breath and says: "ma'am, i really like yer boobs and all the rest, but i think you have broken your finger..."

 

[somnium_in_tenebris]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: ---------------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job:$10.00
---------------------------------------


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she asks with a knowing smile, "May I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"









boooooooooooo

 

[MoonsOfJupiter]

^

Father Flannigan is listening to confessions when he realizes he has to take a piss. He asks one of the custodians to fill in for him while he goes to the bathroom. The custodian listens to a few parishoners and is doing a fine job when the next person confesses to giving oral sex. The custodian doesn't know what the penance for oral sex is, so he sticks his head outside the other side of the booth where he found an altar boy standing. "Excuse me", he asks the altar boy, "what does Father Flannigan usually give for oral sex"? The boy thinks, and says,"Two lollipops and a can of coke".

 

[siderea]

hmm this one probably isnt understandable in every language, anyhow

its green and has a newspaper with two holes in its hands

a spionazi

 

[brian oblivion]

a young lad gets a job in a motuary and his supevisor i going out for his dinner and he asks the lad to look after the body of a 18 year old girl.
so anyway he goes and comes back and the young lad is crying and his supervisor says what wrong and the lad said " you pervert you leave this girl with a prawn sticking out of her vagina" and the supervisor says "thats her clitoris" and the young lad says "it fukin tasted like a prawn"!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hope this does not offend anyone!

 

[Crack Hitler]

What are them two most important holes in womans body?


Duh, nostrils. They provide the oxygene during a blowjob.

 

[Crack Hitler]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum
or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.


Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit
a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".


and more about babies:

What's more funny than nailing a baby to a tree?


RRRRRRRRRipping it off!

 

[MetallicaSux]

This woman was pregnant with twins when she had a big accident and fell in a coma. So the doctors decided to give the woman a op to rmove the twins in order for them to survive. As they didn't know how long the woman was going to be in a coma, they needed to give the twins,a boy and a girl, names and the only relative she had was her brother. A few months later the woman woke up and the first thing she remembers was she was pregnant, so she called the nearest nurse and asked her what happend to the babies, " relax" the nurse sai "they are fine, but we got your brother in to name them for you to make it official". The woman got a chill, "my brother is an idiot, i am to scared to ask" but she needed to know. So she asked the nurse " your daughters name is Denise" oh, she though, thats not bad maybe he isn't a idiot after all, "what is my sons name" she asked, and the nurse replied" his name is Denephew"