My goth is bigger than your goth

J. Golden

Heaven and Hell Records
Oct 12, 2009
2,953
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www.heavenandhellrecords.com
One can meet oh so many colorful characters at a record show; sometimes I think it tops comic conventions.
The second show of the weekend in Raleigh and the day is going much better than the day before. No loud and obnoxious characters for sometime still I know there will be one. There is always at least one and right around lunch time he shows up.
As I am talking to a couple of guys hanging out at the tables a forty-some looking guy with grayish hair and casually dressed shows up at the table who I don’t think will be there long but so much for stereotyping. The man does not comb over the whole selection of 10 boxes of CDs in front of him instead he zeroes in to one spot, one category titled “goth rock/industrial”. He then proceeds to pick up five or so CDs at a time and shuffles through them. Meanwhile I’m thinking that not many people ever look through those and maybe I will move some of them. I am also thinking this is one of those jackasses that never put things back in the correct order. Sure enough I was right.
As he neared the end of the small selection of “goth rock” CDs and now that he had them nicely mixed up he decided to speak.
After catching my eye so that I would know he was directing at me the guy spits out “my goth collection is bigger than yours”. Now I believe that this roughly translates into “my penis is bigger than yours” but I cannot be sure. One thing I am sure of is it is not the best way to start a conversation. My simple reply to the man’s tossing down the gauntlet in this attempt to start a pissing contest or so it seemed, “oh really, you think so”. Meanwhile thinking this guy has never been to my apartment so how does he know how big mine is? Yet something does seem familiar about this gentleman who apparently is packing a big goth unit that he is proud of. I feel I have encountered him before.
Goth man then asks me if I have ever heard of Sonic Cathedral a review site of nothing but “goth” bands. At that point I’m thinking; “yeah buddy those CDs you are kindly mixing up you will not find much of that Disney metal stuff”. I told him I was familiar with the site and that is when he told me that he is a reviewer for them. Now I was impressed, surely he must be an expert since he is a reviewer. He begins to tell me more about “goth” music because apparently all the Mephisto Waltz, Two Witches, and Inkubus Sukkubus CDs in front of him suggest that I know nothing of this genre. I believe I should take notes here because I think this guy is about to teach me something. Also mentioning he is a reviewer made him even more familiar. Now how do I know this joker?
I told him that I had planned to send some stuff over to Sonic Cathedral for review and he replied sure send me some stuff. Quickly the conversation jumped right into him telling me about what I assumed was the latest female fronted band he was into and then After Forever was brought up. I told him that I really did not mind those kinds of bands but I did get burn out on it really fast years ago. I thought it would always be a neat concept when I heard bands like Candlemass and Celtic Frost use it long before it would be its own genre. And that I gave up on After Forever with that album that seemed like a 90210 episode; it was something about babies, shopping malls, whatever I didn’t care. Then he begins to tell me of Revamp and how great it is; as I’m about to say that album is terrible I stop not wanting another scene like with Dream Theater guy years earlier. That is another story.
At this point it dawns on me who the guy was. My girlfriend told me of a douchbag (her words) that approached her at a previous record show with that “I’ll impress with my expertise” arrogance. This has happened with others, strangely it is usually Dream Theater guys for some reason and she often schools them and they walk away with their tales between their legs. I have witness this a few times and it is hilarious. And I have to wonder is this the way these guys go about starting a conversation with chicks? I’m sure the ladies are impressed of a guy’s knowledge of Dream Theater or rather they can describe the dress that the Leaves Eyes chick wore on every tour. What was that about anyway, someone get that poor girl a new dress. But I digress.
He approaches her the same exact way and apparently this does not impress her and he retreats only to later return with a new approach still to discuss “goth”. So she tries to talk to the man but apparently her understanding of “goth” is completely different from his and of course he is a reviewer so obviously an expert. Since she did not know that The Gathering (according to the man) were the first female fronted goth band she could not hang with this guy and I guess and discussing Faith and the Muse was out of the question.
My experience with this guy seemed very similar in this brief meeting though he did not return a second time after he retreated. I guess after seeing that the CDs were nothing he recognized besides one Tarja and one Revamp topped with the fact that his expertise was not going to impress anyone he decided to walk away which was probably for the best. Or maybe he saw the faces of the other people in the hall listening to him and saw how they were struggling to keep from busting out laughing at this tool. (name used by spectator).
I do hope that guy realizes one day that first of all being a reviewer does not make you an expert. Actually you proved on three occasions that you probably do not know as much as you think you do but I’m sure you’ll never admit that. Also if you stop thinking that you know things so well and listen to others you might just learn something or be introduced to things you don’t know. Having a female singer does not make a band goth. And The Gathering certainly was not the first; can they even be considered goth.
 
Did he look like this?

FatGothKid1.jpg
 
I didn't realize having a huge goth collection was something to even be proud of in the first place. The guy must be a real life troll. Did you get a picture? He certainly would be Meme-Worthy with the 'My Goth is Bigger Than Your Goth' caption.

tool? nah, more like douche-fag.
 
Whenever I hear "Gothic Rock" I immediately think of Gene Loves Jezebel, All About Eve, The Cure, The Sisters of Mercy, The Mission UK, Fields of the Nephilim... and don't even get me started with Celtic Frost - do they HAVE a genre?

Hey - don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to compare my goth penis to your goth penis...

This may be why I listen to most of my music nowadays on an iPod... I can tune out idiots more discreetly.
 
This post is amazing as the descriptives of this character cover so many bases at once:

- a lot of Dream Theater fans
- a lot of DragonForce fans
- a lot of indie rock fans
- a lot of people who discuss religion
- a lot of people who discuss politics

It's as if people just jump at the chance to know as little as possible about a complex topic, such an achievement somehow giving them an ultimate license to preach on said topic.
 
I should clarify after reading my own post. I have nothing against goth as though it might have seemed, I was just merely thinking why would someone be so proud to have a bigger goth collection above someone else as if it were some super awesome status symbol?

I mean...I would think some other kinds of collections would be more boast-worthy than someone thinking they're the 'shit' for having the most ub3r l33t goth collection the world has seen.