All the fun comes to me!

[E.O.G.]

We had a blast on the official Kreator forum a year ago,when I opened a thread,similar to this one.Basically,if anyone knows a good joke,has a link to a funny game/video,or has a funny story which starts "...so I woke up in this dumpster in Connecticut..." etc,post it here,so we can laugh our asses out!

Allow me to start with one of my all-time favorite joke,a bittersweet story about a guy named Howard.

Howard felt himself guilty,all day long.He desperately tried to think about something else,but he couldn't.His painful guilt and sense of betrayal was so strong.Finally an inner voice tried to cheer him up."Howard!" - said the voice - "You're not the first and probably not the last doctor in the history who had sexual relationship with one of his patient.You're not THAT guilty,please try to calm down!" Unfortunately a few minutes later another,totally different inner voice dragged him down to earth."But for God's sake,Howard!" - said this new inner voice - "You're a VETERINARIAN!"

 

[Archmagician]

<rimshot> <19" Paiste 2002 Crash>

 

[Air Raid Siren]

This thread should be a lot of fun! I'm a terrible joke teller but I love a good one well told so I'm looking forward to what you guys have to share!!!

 

[Metallicat180]

I got a joke my workmate told me the other day...

Two cars crash on a quiet road, both cars are total write-off's but both occupants are unhurt. There's a man in one car and a woman in the other. They get out and start talking to each other. The woman says, "I believe that this crash was meant to happen so we could meet, do you believe in things like that?". "Sure!", the man replies. The woman says "I believe things happen for a reason and if we get to know each other, something good might happen. My car's totally wrecked but there's an unbroken bottle of wine in the car. We should share it and get to know each other." The woman goes to get the bottle of wine and the man just happens to have a bottle opener in his car. They open the bottle of wine and the woman insists the man have the first half. Once he's finished he hands the bottle over to her but she doesn't drink it. "Aren't you going to finish the bottle?", he asks? "No", she says as she throws the remaining contents away, "I think I'll just sit here and wait for the police to arrive."



Also a funny video of a Linkin park parody - http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=JYNRhzX6gw8

 

[E.O.G.]

Old couple sitting in a church.Suddenly the women turns to her husband and whispers in his ears.
-Steve,I just passed a quiet fart.What should I do now?
The husband replies:
-Change the battery in your hearing aid!

 

[E.O.G.]

6 years old little boy playing with his penis.
-Mom! Is this my brain?
-No,honey! Not yet!

 

[Puckfiend]

True story, not a joke:

Mike goes to Vegas with some friends. They enter a casino and Mike goes off to the slot machines while the rest of the group hits up a blackjack table. After a while, a woman standing behind the blackjack table taps one of the guys in the group on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, but I'm here in Vegas for the first time and don't have anyone to hang out with..you guys look like you're having a good time, would you mind if I joined you?"

"Sure thing! Hey - wanna have some fun with our friend over there at the slot machine?" (points to Mike)

"Ok! What am I supposed to do??"

"Walk over there and tell him you'd like to give him a blowjob and you'll also pay him $50 on top of it."

She laughs and walks over to Mike. She taps him on the shoulder, but Mike is into the slot machine and tries to wave her away. "Excuse me, but I'd like to take you up to my room and give you $50 and a blowjob."

Mike eyes her up and down while mulling the offer and then says, "Let me see the money."

 

[E.O.G.]

This how a REAL MAN supposed to act!

 

[Archmagician]

Old couple sitting in a church.Suddenly the women turns to her husband and whispers in his ears.
-Steve,I just passed a quiet fart.What should I do now?
The husband replies:
-Change the battery in your hearing aid!

LMFAO!!

True story, not a joke:

Mike goes to Vegas with some friends. They enter a casino and Mike goes off to the slot machines while the rest of the group hits up a blackjack table. After a while, a woman standing behind the blackjack table taps one of the guys in the group on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, but I'm here in Vegas for the first time and don't have anyone to hang out with..you guys look like you're having a good time, would you mind if I joined you?"

"Sure thing! Hey - wanna have some fun with our friend over there at the slot machine?" (points to Mike)

"Ok! What am I supposed to do??"

"Walk over there and tell him you'd like to give him a blowjob and you'll also pay him $50 on top of it."

She laughs and walks over to Mike. She taps him on the shoulder, but Mike is into the slot machine and tries to wave her away. "Excuse me, but I'd like to take you up to my room and give you $50 and a blowjob."

Mike eyes her up and down while mulling the offer and then says, "Let me see the money."

LMMFAO!!!

Damn you guys are funny!

 

[E.O.G.]

I don't wanna offend the girls here,but unfortunately the best jokes I know pretty much male chauvinistic jokes,so I have to select carefully.Here's an "innocent" one:

3 priests traveling on a ship,when it suddenly starts to sinking.Huge panic,everybody screaming.
The rabbi:- Calm down,people! Save the kids first!
The greek orthodox priest:- Oh,come on...Fuck the kids!
The roman catholic priest:- Hmmm...Do we still have time for that?!

 

[E.O.G.]

Here's a story that teaches everyone to a basic rule!

Once upon a time,different human body parts came together to debate over,which one of them should be in charge.
- I'm the one who's responsible for everything that the body does,I control everything,except the heartbeat,so I should be in charge! - said the brain.
- I'm pumping the blood everywhere to the human body,without me the life is over,so I should be the one in charge! - said the heart.
- I'm the one who's taking the human body anywhere,where it wants to go,there's life without me but it's not a happy life,so I should be the one in charge - said the muscles.
- Every poisonous waste material,which leaves the human body,come across me.Without me the body would be toxicated,so I should be in charge! - said the rectum.
The others started to laughing,so the rectum's feelings got hurt,it decided to show them the truth,and stopped it's "job".3 days later the brain had a huge headache,the heart had a mild cardial infarction,and the muscles started to trembling.So they got together again,and decided that the rectum should be in charge over the body.

What is the morale that you learned from the story,kids?

It doesn't matter who is the brain,the heart,or the moving power behind things,there's ALWAYS gonne be an asshole in charge!!!

:zombie: So fuckin' true,isn't it!? Tell this story to your boss,tomorrow morning!!!

 

[swhite3031]

I don't usually like heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting&#8230;

In 1986, Mike Membre was on holiday in Kenya after graduation from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so Membre approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could Membre worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Membre stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Membre never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Membre was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Membre and his son Cantri were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Membre, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Membre couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Membre summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Membre's legs and raised him high into the air and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

[MattDouglas]

Seamus, an Irishman, was walking through the woods one day when he saw a leprechaun sitting on a rock. The leprechaun's back was to him so he sneak up behind him, grabbed the leprechaun, and said "I gotcha, now gimme your crock of gold!"

The leprechaun wiggled within his grasp to face him and said "Sorry, laddy, I'm not a crock of gold leprechaun. I'm a wish leprechaun! I can grant you three wishes. But I gotta warn ya laddy, whatever I grant ya, I'm gonna grant twice as much to your worst enemy- who, I happen to know, is Harry O'Flarehty!"

Seamus thought for a sec and said, "Alright I'd like a 30-room mansion for my first wish!"

BOOM! Seamus has a 30-room mansion
BOOM! Harry has a 60-room mansion.

Seamus then said, "For my second wish I'd like 10 of the world's most beautiful women as my wives!"

BOOM! Seamus has 10 wives!
BOOM! Harry has 20 wives!

The leprechaun said, "One wish left, laddy, and remember, choose carefully!"

Seamus said, "Well, I've given this one a lotta thought. For my third wish, I'd like one of my testicles to disappear!"

 

[E.O.G.]

Two friends talking about their sex-experiences.
-Have you ever tried the rodeo-sex?
-No! What is it?
-Well...go home,have sex with your wife in doggy position,and when she starts really enjoying it,whisper to her ears that this is the exact same position that gives the big-O to your secret lover.
-And why do they call this "rodeo-sex"?
-Because after this,you have to stay on her for 8 seconds!

 

[E.O.G.]

Two cannibals talking while they eat their dinner.
-Ummm...this is delicious!Your wife makes awesome pot roast!
-Yeah,yeah...I'll miss her though!

 

[E.O.G.]

Blond girl drives her car,when she sees another blond girl,in the middle of a cotton field,sitting in a canoe,rowing.She got mad,stops the car,got out and yells to the chick in the canoe:
-See,this is one of the reasons why people thinks every blond girl is stupid! You're so lucky that I can't swim,otherwise I'd beat the hell out of you!

 

[E.O.G.]

A kid asks his daddy:
- Dad! What's the difference between "technically" and "practically"?
- I'll show you,son.Now go,and ask your mom,if she would cheating on me with someone,for 10 thousand dollars?
The kid comes back a few minutes later:
- Dad,I got bad news.Mom said she would fuck anyone for 10 grands!
- OK,no go to your sister,and ask her if she would cheat on her boyfriend,if she'd get 10 thousand dollars?
Few minutes later:
- Dad,another bad news! Jen said that she would fuck anyone for 10 grands!
- See,son,this the difference between "technically" and "practically"."Technically" we could have 20 thousand dollars,but "practically" we have 2 whores in the family!

 

[E.O.G.]

A married couple goes to Cancun for a little vacation.When they coming back to the U.S.,the border patrol stops them,and the husband asks to the officer:
- Excuse me,sir! Can I bring 350 lbs of honey across the border?
- No!
- Did you hear that,honey? You have to stay here!

 

[E.O.G.]

In a sunday school class,the teacher asks the kids:
- Kids,what do you think,what part of the human body goes to heaven first,after we die?
- I think,it's our feet,Mrs.Collins! - says the little Joey.
- Hmmm...interesting idea,Joey. Now,tell us,what makes you think that?
- Well...last night I saw my mom,lying on the bed,her feet was up to the sky,and she was yelling:"Oh,my God! I'm coming...I'm coming!"

 

[E.O.G.]

Elementary school,3rd grade:
- Kids,can someone tell me why flounders are flat?
- Because whales fucks them!
- Shame on you,Steve! How could you say such awful thing like this? Get out of the class!
Next day:
- Kids,can someone tell me why frogs has those big popped-out eyes?
- Because they always sees when whales fucks the flounders!