What I'm feeling...

[PiNkMaGGiT]

I haven't started a thread for a long time. I usually just like to observe... but I really need some help. Stand back people, Damien (thats my real name if ya couldn't guess) is about to release some of dem pent up emotions. *collective gasp*

I'm 17. I finished school about two months ago. I remember thinking on the last day (the morning after post-grad party)... "I'm never going to see most of these people again. And I'm not even emotional. What the fuck has happened to me." I then kinda said a few quiet good-byes to a few close friends and quietly crept off. I was fine for about two weeks, before reality really fucking hit me between the eyes. YOU ARE FINISHED WITH BEING A TEENAGER DAMIEN, YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON AND GO TO UNIVERSITY NOW. YOU ARE BASICALLY AN ADULT, YOU HAVE LEFT YOUR YOUTH BEHIND AND MORE OF LESS WASTED IT. By wasting my youth I mean, well I sorta only started going to parties and shit about a year ago, you know, really experiencing life and its' people. Before that I had been too introverted to really socialize much, but since then I've discovered that that is pretty much all we have as humans, other people. Anyways, for the past say month, I've began feeling more and more depressed. And I know a lot of you are going to think 'awwww, poor baby, hes depressed. Gee nobody has ever felt that way before, pfft" but when I've been depressed in the past I've just always thought about the good things in life. You know, how I still had my youth in front of me, still had all my friends and my social life (which was basically school). But not anymore. It feels as though, my world has turned dark, and there is no forseeable light. Dead heart in a living world (sorry).

Fucken hell, I'm rambling. I'll try and stay on topic. I'm really not looking forward to the future. Uni starts in about a month and a half. I have no place to stay down there (in brisbane), my parents never set up a university fund or anything, so i have no money. The only way I'll be able to survive is with assistance from the government and that is shit all. But thats just the materialistic bullshit. As I've become more and more mature (DSM don't read this) I've kinda started to realise that life just isn't very good. I mean, I see my mum drinking every night and I used to wonder... what drove her to that. But I'm starting to understand. I've lost the blissful ignorance that is youth (and I know a lot of you think 17 is still a kid but I reckon i have the mental age of a 20 yr-old) and I really do not like the way the world is looking. All I feel like doing is staying where I am now, and just working. Working to buy all the shit I don't need. Working so that I don't have to leave my little shelter. Working so that I don't have any responsibilites. Just staying here to simply try and maintain a firm grip on my youth. Because I know that once I move, that will be the nail in the coffin. I will have shed the glorious shackles of my past life. All is grey now.

As hard as it is to believe, I'm not stoned or pissed or anything. THis is the way I've been thinking for (what seems like) a long time now. There is jsut so much uncertainty in the future. And I don't even want to test the water. I am just kicking myself for being not willing to get the most out of life. And now I feel as if, you know, the 'life' part of my existence is over. The fun youth stuff is gone. And I hardly got to taste the sweet nectar. Sorry if I make no sense whatsoever, I just needed to do SOMETHING about the way I'm feeling. Fuck I sound selfish.

Sorry, Damien.

 

[Tee]

no, you're not selfish, as YOURSELF is the only "thing" you actually possess.
the nectar of life is yet to be tasted, in a different form from the one you've been tasting so far.
I'm 28, without a good health, with a university diploma, with a job (that's more than ugly,; I translate medical reports of the heavily ill people), with 7 lost years behind me (in a relationship that only stole my sanity), though, after all the dark there came the light, in the form of a man, I feel that my life is starting now. metalized, I'm
some years ago I was in the real depression, so I know what that means. I know what it means for one not to see life/chances/possibilities in front of onself.

the only thing that you have to do for yourself is to force yourself to wake up the next day, to see what it brings....... believe me, there's always something in stocks, you'll get surprised. one chapter is finished, though that was only introduction into the novel.... wait and see, and welcome the new day.

 

[PiNkMaGGiT]

Thanks Tee, your wise words I think may eventually pry open a small recess in my mind for hope. I don't know, its just so hard to think about anything positive when you feel this way. I think I need another human being to casually stroll into my life right now and give me a kickstart. I haven't had that for a good two years, I think thats a rather large contributing factor . I've copied your message into a document and printed it, put it away in a nice safe place for when the depression really takes hold, I hate those times, but your little bit of excellent advice has had quite the profound effect on this stubborn head of mine. Thankyou

 

[Tee]

I'm more than glad to read this.

"A sheltered life is no life at all"
see this? so, open your eyes and let the life slap you hard. that way you'll know you're alive. "live-baby-live, now that the day is over" (M. Hutchence)

 

[PiNkMaGGiT]

I guess I should practice what I preach .

The way I've been feeling though, I want a fucken sledge hammer in the face from life. That'd give me a good shake-up, and hopefully get me out of this rut. Thanks again Tee

 

[Tee]

there will probably be some other people here to help you with a healthy advice.

 

[lizard]

Damien, its only natural to be apprehensive about this turn in your life. Getting out of high school and looking at the future is one of the biggest changes you will ever go through in your life, behind actually getting married and retirement.

Look at uni as a way to postpone the real world for a few more years. Especially if you focus on a liberal arts curriculum, you'll only be in class a few hours a day, study a couple of hours a day, and it is still way easier than having to actually work a full time work schedule. College can be an absolute fun time, and some of the people you meet will be friends for the rest of your life.

 

[RETIREDTrapped]

Dude, i'm a few years older than you, and i'm still in the position you are in. No job, no money, no place to stay. Hell, my internet gets cut off in less than ten days (seriously, that's proper goodbyes to everyone here...), on the day i get kicked out of this place.

No-one will hire me because i'm too old, and un experienced, and somewhat ill adjusted to everything.

And you know what? I don't fucking care. I don't want to be part of the stupid rat race where i work for the next fifty years simply so i can live my last ten/twenty in a nice nursing home with a fat greek nurse squeezing stagnant urine out of my rotting bowels... fuck that for a sick joke.

My youth IS gone already. My hair is falling out, and i'm still looking for "That first retail job", how sad is that? I admit it, i'm even living with my mum now... so much for "Living fucking metal!" huh?

But you've still got hope dude. You're going to uni, a brilliant opportunity. I was too daft to go to uni, i didn't even get an OP score when i finished year twelve because i didn't do enough subjects. Take the opportunity dude and live it out, you never know where it's going to take you.

Dude, i'm in brisbane... send me an email when you get down this way, and we'll have to have a jam... The poorer the man, the better the guitarist

 

[Nevermore26]

I felt the exact same way when I graduated HS. Ended up ruining a half-decent releationship w/ my depression. (She was a nutcase anyways. ) Try not to dwell too long on it, & enjoy the Hell out of university.

Nevermore...

 

[Tee]

my internet gets cut off in less than ten days (seriously, that's proper goodbyes to everyone here

jolly good :s

 

[Black Winter Day]

it's never too late to enjoy your life, even if you are 80. sure, there are always responsibilities, but you just have to face them with the most level-headedsense of enjoyment that you possibly can. some jobs/classes/etc suck really bad, but you just have to push through them to gain a higher step in your life. life will always be uncertain. . . but that is what is is all about. it is full of surprises. you cannot say that your future is uncertain and know that it will be a bad one. just hold on, keep fighting, enjoy what there is to enjoy, and if there is absolutely NOTHING to enjoy in your life, pretend that you are having fun anyway. time HAS NOT passed you by. but that is only if you realize that life is short and constantly referring to the past will get you nowhere in the present. live in the moment! my dad always said that there are two rules in life: 1) do your best and 2) have fun. when all is said and done, it usually holds up.

oh, and btw, i will be in a situation similar to yours this summer (going from HS to college) and EVERYONE, and i mean EVERYONE, i've talked to has said that they enjoyed college life MUCH more than high school life. so take advantage of it!

 

[Iris]

Hey Pink,

I can't give you a solution but i can tell ya some things, that might lift you up for a while, because i experienced some of what you said, too.
I was 15,5 years old when i left home. I was placed in an adolecent-training-program. (ok, i was too young to enter the program but in all i went through with my dad, i was old enough in mind, to join the program. My dad didn't paid a thing, nothing! He said: " You leave this house, don't ever come in again and don't expect me to finance you, my job is done!"
Although that was the hardest thing to hear, i chose for myself.
My mom was depressed at that time in my life and she couldn't help me financially (she had no job) but she gave me all the love in the world and she kept believing in me.
I had to start working because otherwise i couldn't stay there. I was lucky enough to combine school and work, so i didn't quit learning. It was a hard lesson but one thing i knew for sure: i had to survive, and i did. Really Pink, listen to me: don't quit school! go graduate! Even if you will never end up in the business you have studied for, atleast you can say you reached something in life, finish it! On short time, you won't feel the difference...but on the long run...you might feel you have failed because you gave up!! Don't give up, go finish school!
I managed to run through the program and when i finally could go and stand on my own two feet, i felt so alone and rejected.
Only my mom and some very good friends were there to keep me alive. I couldn't believe in myself either. When i was 18, i thought..fuck! this isn't the way i wanna live my life, i need to do something. I went back to school, finished my Social Pedagogical Education and went further, i went to do Social Work.
That last education, i didn't finished it but no one can take away what i have (already) learned. GEEZ! I hate it, when i want to say something and realize i've heard that before.. ! Now that song is stuck in my head for the rest of the day!
I still have the time to finish it but there are other things to do right now.
Ok, back to you: You could start making a priority-list. What are the things you need? What are the things you want? And last but definately not least: What is it that you have to do, to actually realize it? I think you went through enough, to look further then today...
It's simply said, not so hard to do BUT...hard to actually go for it, and just do it!!!
You have to kick-start yourself, Pink...NO ONE can do that for you!
People may give you insights but you are the one that have to turn the key and believe me: if you went through a lot, you know where that key is... it's only hard and very insecure to turn it, because you don't know how it will go and where you will end.
To start it, just take a look at people and think: " Do i wanna end up like them?" I only had to look at my father and i knew enough!
And what i read in your story, you see things in your mother you dislike. Use that negative energy and make it positive.
Even if you don't finish that education, you can atleast look yourself in the eye and say: "atleast i tried, i didn't gave up before i even started".
For me, that is the best thing in life, to make sure that i have nothing to reproach myself with!!!!
If you can think and act like that, you could move mountains!!!
I'm not saying you can move it to another place, but you can definately bring it in motion.
I will end this post, before i'm going to tell too much about myself, this is vulnerable to me, too. But if i can help some one by sharing, i don't have to think twice!
Keep on hanging in there and just don't give up!
Go look for companies that (when you decide to start working instead of a full-time education) can offer you an education, within their working-program. In that way, you'll earn money AND get a proper education and diploma. I don't know where your opportunities are, i don't know the system in your country but if it's not there, try to create it. It's never stupid to ask for help, so you might ask somebody at school, to help you and maybe the solution is closer then you think.
I don't know if i said the right things to help you but atleast i hope i could give you the feeling, you're not the only one who is going through this.
I will end this post by saying, that i think you already started to open up, by sharing your feelings with us. There was your first kick-start, Pink!!
Keep us posted and good luck!

-x-
Iris

 

[Chromatose]

Memory lives in shadow, nevermore will I blame
And I swear 'til the end of my days I'll not forget one moment ...



yeah Iris, isn't it great when you find that catalyst that makes you finally get serious about changing something, like you mention about looking at your father and not wanting to be like him. I've found people can talk all they want about whats best and attempts can be made to change, but once you get seriously devoted to changing and start getting somewhere, all the hardtimes and effort are very worth it

 

[lizard]

yeah, I respect my dad's intellect, he's a real brain, but he's also anal retentive, a real slave driver, and I told myself I would never, ever be like him.

and I'm not. if anything, I'm too easygoing, both on the job and at home.

 

[Pilgrim]

Let me tell ya,

Your young, you have your WHOLE life in front of you. I would love to be in your position. I'm sure I felt the same way when I was 17, Some of the best times of your life are ahead of you. Your just in a little bit of a funk, You have got to realize that you still have alot of growing to do, 17 is a tough age, your sort of past being a kid but not really an adult yet. DO NOT let life bring you down, just try and find things that make you HAPPY.

 

[lizard]

I have the perfect cure for depression: a visit to http://www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com
here's a teaser:

 

[PlatypusJesus]

Life is just an experience and your experience has just begun. The hardships in life, the fighting, the struggling, etc. those are what makes life great and they never end. You always face them in life, maybe in different forms, maybe in different measures, but you always face them, and defeating them, beating them, getting over them, that is what makes life rewarding. No matter how far down you are, being able to enjoy life no matter what is what makes life rewarding. Obstacles jump in your way everyday, being able to defeat them head on is what matters. Things will happen to you all the time, chances will come, and it's what you do with those chances that will decide which way you go in life. You will always have decisions to make and that makes life great. Life is hard, and it only grows harder, and that is what makes life great. If it was easy, it wouldn't be any fun. And set your own standards, don't listen to those who tell you "Oh, you have to do this in life, you have to be this." Do what you want to, be who you want to. You have that option, and yes, it is hard to do what you want to. It's hard to go out in the world and be and do what you want to, because society has set it's own standard for what makes a person. You have to be selfish, because yourself is one thing that you know you will have for the rest of your life. There is nothing wrong with being a little selfish, you have to do things for yourself. And dream, dreaming is one of the most important things in life. Never stop dreaming.

 

[Iris]

AMEN!!!
Don't be afraid, dreams are immortal...
Damn, this is scaring the shit out of me!!

xxx Iris xxx

 

[PlatypusJesus]

I'm becoming scared too. People are actually listening to what a 16 year old, who is so stuck up he calles himself the Lord of Metal, has to say. What is the world coming to?

 

[Iris]

Even Pilgie showed a soft-side
beware of the goat, people!!!

xxx Iris xxx