Becaus I want some of you to get laid

[lizard]

Aural Sex: The Best Things to Say to a Naked Woman
From Mens Health Magazine
1.
"Good morning."

2.
"Is it okay with you if I take this slow?"


3.
"I can't stop touching you."

4.
"Want to join me in the shower?"

5.
"I want to kiss/lick/touch every inch of you."

6.
"I love how you taste."

7.
"Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria.)

8.
"Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito."

9.
Her name--her full name--followed by a "Wow."

10.
"I'll get the light."

11.
"I'll cancel my plans if you'll stay here with me for the rest of the weekend."

12.
"No one's ever done that before."

13.
"Can we do that again?"

14.
"I love your [fill in body part here]."

15.
Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips.

16.
While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers."

17.
While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see?"

18.
"I'll go make coffee."

19.
"Waking up with you is even better than sleeping with you."

20.
"Let's play hooky today."

21.
Any use of the word "hot." Especially: "You're so hot."

22.
"Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing."

23.
Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate.

24.
"There's nothing else I'd rather be doing right now."

25.
"I'm ready to go again."

26.
"Damn, I've missed you."

27.
"How about a massage?"

28.
Playful laughter.

29.
"Don't ever leave me."

30.
"You sleep; I'll go check on the baby."

 

[dill_the_devil]

When exactly is an appropriate time to say 'duck' during the process of seduction?

 

[Ayeka]

When you're about to shoot your load in her face maybe?

 

[dill_the_devil]

LMFAO!

Also, since presumably it's the sound of things that end in 'uck' that work, why doesn't my girlfriend get horny when I tell her to cook my breakfast?

 

[lizard]

only when they're about to deliver the foie gras to your table. Then laugh heartily and say, "damnit, I always get my fowl confused!"

......................
converse to the above list is perhaps more fun, the things you SHOULDN'T say. A friend of mine said he completely ruined the mood when he was making out with his wife and he made the mistake of saying, "When was the last time you brushed your teeth?"

 

[Will Bozarth]

"hey baby, come here... i'll lube up the duck" ??

 

[NAD]

1.
"Good whore."

2.
"Is it okay with you if you take it up the butt?"


3.
"I can't stop fucking you."

4.
"Want to join me in the men's locker room?"

5.
"I want to punch/kick/maim every inch of you."

6.
"I love how you shit."

7.
"Do you feel this, Jew?" ("This" being an incredible sexual euphoria.)

8.
"Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go get my brother."

9.
Her name--her full name--followed by a "Cunt."

10.
"I'll get the Anal Ease."

11.
"I'll cancel my plans if you'll stay on your knees for the rest of the weekend."

12.
"No one's ever swallowed that before."

13.
"Can we do that again?" (said after a 20 second romp)

14.
"I love your asshole."

15.
Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger up her nose.

16.
While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "I wanna fuck this bitch, and this bitch, and this bitch..."

17.
While looking at cumstains reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see?"

18.
"I'll go make myself coffee."

19.
"Waking up with your sister is even better than sleeping with you."

20.
"Let's play hooker today."

21.
Any use of the word "slutty." Especially: "You're so slutty."

22.
"Squeeze my prostate when it feels really amazing."

23.
Words that end in "ack." Yes, even "crack," when appropriate.

24.
"There's someone else I'd rather be doing right now."

25.
"I'm ready to go away."

26.
"Damn, I hate you."

27.
"How about a hummer?"

28.
Maniacal laughter.

29.
"Don't ever fuck with me."

30.
"You sleep; I'll go fuck your sister."

 

[dill_the_devil]

This is a rare occasion. I feel compelled to give a five-star rating. The potential for comedy gold in this thread is self-evident already.

 

[lizard]

most of the "good" things to say are fairly easy to figure out if you've got any experience with wimmen at all.
......................
most of the "bad" things to say are fairly easy to figure out mostly in hindsight.

 

[dill_the_devil]

Hindsight examples of 'bad things to say' from personal experience, please...

In my case - "i only watch porn because the dialogue is hilarious, honestly!"

 

[Ayeka]

LMFAO!

Also, since presumably it's the sound of things that end in 'uck' that work, why doesn't my girlfriend get horny when I tell her to cook my breakfast?

Ask her to serve up some cherry pie

at NAD's list. I shall follow suit with a rating

 

[NAD]

I don't think I've ever said one of the cringe-worthy bad things to a woman. The basics of women are fucking easy, it's the specifics that get difficult.

-buy them shit
-go out of your way to say and do nice things
-LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN, one of the few freebies with women is that you can PRETEND to listen, and it usually works!

Shit ain't that hard.

 

[lizard]

-LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN, one of the few freebies with women is that you can PRETEND to listen, and it usually works!

yes, listen.

Shit ain't that hard.

that's because you were a poli sci major. we know the shit.

and its a cliche because of that movie Diner, but a woman who'll gladly watch sports with you....that's WIN/WIN

 

[lizard]

p.s. and if you find a woman who likes ZZ Top's Tres Hombres, snap her up immediately!!
unless she has a moustache.

 

[NAD]

that's because you were a poli sci major. we know the shit.

One thing I see dudes do over and over again that I'll never understand is buying (or not buying) gifts. Like that Simpsons episode where Homer buys Marge a bowling ball w/ his name on it, for her birthday?! That kind of shit happens ALL THE TIME!

Oh and here's one of my favorite high school memories, on some Valentine's Day:
"Hey Adrian, my girlfriend is crying and I don't know why!"
"What did you get her for V-day?"
"Nothing, but that's not why she's crying!"

DUH.

 

[lizard]

yeah some guys are soooooooooooo stupid. as soon as you figure that women think in completely different ways than guys, and stop trying to make them fit a guy mindset, then you're golden.

 

[lizard]

oh oh! and a girlfriend who doesn't mind you acting like this:

MARRY HER FUKZORRRRRRR

 

[lurch70]

I don't think I've ever said one of the cringe-worthy bad things to a woman. The basics of women are fucking easy, it's the specifics that get difficult.

-buy them shit
-go out of your way to say and do nice things
-LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN, one of the few freebies with women is that you can PRETEND to listen, and it usually works!

Shit ain't that hard.

hahaha ... yes we can pretend to LISTEN ... while they can pretend to have an ORGASM ... what a trade off

this list rules ... lizard's list is the truth ... NAd's list ... well that is what I feel like saying lately ... as lizard's list is not working anymore

 

[NAD]

I might have a date this weekend, I have to decide which list I want to use.

 

[lizard]

the real secret is to come up with things to say that are like, "you know honey, when I'm inside you....I feel like the most important man in the world."

................

not that I need to know this really, but what do homosexuals say to each other?

"Sam, when my nose is buried in your buttocks, I feel so....ALIVE!"